The field of futures studies can be a broad and daunting one. There are so many angles that can come out of a single idea – how will ____ affect ____? What will the response of _____ be to ___? So many questions to ask, and rightfully so. When you’re trying to pin down and solve for important issues facing the world and its future, you kinda have to get things right.
So, first and foremost, props to Maria Yagoda (@mariayagoda) for getting out there and doing the research required to make us think about the progression of technology.
O-Cast, a product unveiled earlier in March, allows people with a Lovense Bluetooth Lush vibrator (which was not designed with oral in mind) to lick their iPhones in the exact pattern they want their vibrator to “lick,” or move, on their clitoris. When I first read about the app, which describes itself as the “iTunes of cunnilingus,” I sorted the news into the Progress No One Asked For file and went about my day, masturbating with my preferred devices while making eye contact with the cardboard cutout of Drake propped behind my bed.
A couple of assumptions here right off the bat. First, I’m assuming that as long as I have the vibrator, it can be used in any capacity. Like, if I get a hankerin’ for having my butthole licked, I can just plug it in and fire up the app to toss my own salad. Second, there’s still going to be a fairly extensive clean-up process following the use of such a device and app. Think about it – as is, you gotta clean up your vibrator and vagina/butthole afterwards. But now, you’re going to have slobber all over your mouth and your phone. And, what if you’re at work? Co-workers are going to ask questions about the saliva on your phone. All the while, you just came and you probably don’t feel much like cleaning. These are all just assumptions, though.
The main question here is whether or not it’s really making anyone’s life easier? I think that’s the question we have to ask, as futurists, when contemplating the need of a product or service.
Having read at least 30 stories over the years about how our phones are covered in poop—just absolutely littered with feces—I took a few minutes to scrub my screen with hand sanitizer, making sure the liquid didn’t get into any of the cracks.
Okay, good – I’m glad we’re thinking of the poop issue here. This is one of those things that I could see people being so excited for that they neglect to stop and think of the health concerns. I mean, people should probably be doing that with actual humans that eat their pussies/buttholes, but especially when you’re using a device that is literally covered in germs. Let’s be practical – if we want to use this, we have to make sure it’s sanitary.
Conventional oral-on-a-vagina wisdom is “do the alphabet with your tongue,” which is a solid guiding principal, but it doesn’t take into account those changes in tempo—and letter size, if we’re sticking with the alphabet model—that make oral great. With my tongue pressed gently on my screen, I licked alternating big and small loops, quickly and then slowly, with some squiggly lines thrown in.
This is breaking news to me. Quick show of hands – who here has heard of this alphabet rule? Nothing of value to add here. Just making a note. Are you actually supposed to cite the letters as you form them with your tongue? I can imagine that would be rather difficult to execute, but I am more than willing to concede to the sexperts on this matter.
After 20 minutes of futzing around with the vibrator, which is girth-y on the G-spot end and curves into a svelte, antenna-like protrusion that juts out of your vagina and lands on your clitoris, I pressed play on “first try.” Since the app also lets you orchestrate the exact right tempo, the pattern felt incredible: fast fast fast fast a little slower, a little slower, a little faster, a little faster, fast fast fast fast fast SLOW SLOW SLOW fast fast fast FAST. (Orchestrating the exact right tempo with a human down there can be trickier.)
This sounds a lot like GarageBand for vaginas. It seems extremely user-friendly, allows you to explore your creativity, and at the end, you just so happen to orgasm. I believe this is peak efficiency. By the time every man, woman, or beast in America has one of these, they’ll have robots to clean up the cum and slobber anyway. So, maybe that’s just me making a mountain out of a mole hill.
For everyone worried about robots usurping humans in life and love—a legitimate concern when all of my vibrators make me come, minimum, five times faster than with a human—we’re not quite there on the cunnilingus front… yet. This device doesn’t render human tongues completely obsolete, as there’s a distinctly pleasurable mouth moisture that a vibrator can’t quite replicate, even if you slather it in the lube that comes with it. Plus, tongues are able to hit different spots with more precision—and using more precisely varying pressures—than a device ever could, at least in 2017.
Well, in conclusion, I have to bring up the obvious – this is EXACTLY how the robot apocalypse begins. This is basic social engineering here, people. Machines endear themselves to people, take advantage of our weaknesses, get in to our most trusted circle (or our vaginas), and then attack. Before long, every house in America is going to be eating its own pussy, and while we’re distracted, the toaster that you spit on to toast your bread (just trying to think of other advances in technology we will probably make soon) will come to life and murder you.
We might as well be dead already. I’m sure the machines are having secret human death board meetings where they’re talking about ways they can easily wipe out all of humanity, and of course, they’re like, “these sick fucks don’t care about anything but sex! All we have to do is make sex easier for ’em and boom – we’re in!”
One last thought – how do we make one of these for men? Like, most penises aren’t shaped like iPhones, so what do we do? Just lollipop them dongs and see what happens? I don’t know. Plus, size varies BIG TIME. So, would I have to go to Verizon and get some sort of penis scan to make my phone look exactly like my dong? “Here’s my hog – spit me out a hunk of plastic so I can bob up and down on that sumbitch.”
^That’s how I talk to people, by the way.
Ultimately, the future is shaped by those daring enough to create. That ain’t me, so I’ll just have to wait and see.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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