Alright, SoBros Nation, it’s time for us to put on our help hats and find justice for some bald ass cats!
Courtesy of The Roanoke Times:
WAYNESBORO — In a bizarre case that so far has police and residents stumped, at least seven cats in Waynesboro’s Tree Streets neighborhood have been shaved since December without their owners’ permission, according to Waynesboro police.
None of the pet owners have seen the person or people shaving the cats, and no witnesses have come forward yet.
Okay, from what I’ve learned watching at least a dozen crime scene shows on television, chances are this crime is sexual in nature. So, the first step towards finding this guy is asking the neighborhood who achieves climactic pleasure from shaving house cats. We don’t need understand it. It may be uncomfortable for some of you to talk about, but I’m sure like a lot of crimes, there is a semen trail that will take us directly to the culprit.
Capt. Kelly Walker said cats owned by two separate Tree Streets residents have been shaved in the underbelly, groin and leg areas. He said it appears the shaving was done with a razor of some kind. The cats were not otherwise harmed, Walker said.
Jesus, at least have the decency NOT to straight razor these cats. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that using a straight razor is more heinous than the act of shaving itself. You always use sheers before you straight razor. Not only are these cats highly embarrassed now, but they’re probably suffering from some sick ass razor burn. You assholes.
Walker said at least two residents of the neighborhood have reported the shaving. Police were made aware of the incidents earlier this week.
I’m no (official) detective – I’ve done some private investigating in my free time – but I would think you’d probably start with these two residents. I think that’s how a lot crimes end up – being committed by the people reporting it. It’s a real world application of the old adage: he who smelt it dealt it. That’s talking about farts, of course, but I think it applies in the criminal justice world as well.
“Oh, your wallet was stolen? Come with me, sir. You are a suspect.”
So, that’s just my two cents. That’s what I’m contributing to this investigation.
“Collectively, this involves seven cats that are indoor and outdoor cats,” Walker said.
He said the cats are clearly pets and not stray or feral cats.
My overall thoughts on this story are that we need to cut this shit out, people. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I’m the type of guy who believes you should definitely NOT go around shaving your neighbors’ cats.
Good luck to the police out there solving this crime. It’s like dealing with a real life version of The Riddler here, so I hope that this piece has both spread awareness and given you guys some tips on how to bring justice to this sick cat-shaving motherfucker.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork
Image courtesy of Jonathan Fink on Unsplash!
