We haven’t been able to talk much W.O.M.B.A.T. on this here website over the last 30 years. Hell, since “the incident,” talkin’ any sort of W.O.M.B.A.T. was damn near catastrophe for your brand. It sorta became a cult classic ’round these parts. Even your most diehard tape trader couldn’t get there hands on a copy of that W.O.M.B.A.T. shit back in the day.
But, I’m ecstatic to say that W.O.M.B.A.T. done come back to Tennessee over the weekend. Tullahoma, to be exact. The SoBros team was on hand to watch it all and we decided we gonna do what we do best…make a list rankin’ shit. That’s what all good sports riders do.
W.O.M.B.A.T. Power Rankings
10. J.J. Garrett – This kid really surmounted the odds against Jimmy Lloyd who CHEATED when he took his blindfold off during the blindfold match. Seriously, that Jimmy Lloyd was a got damn prick for doin’ what he done. But, for ol’ J.J., that’s the kinda win that’ll make your career in W.O.M.B.A.T.. I wouldn’t be surprised if they announce him as the next contender for the Mississippi River Championship.
9. Tony Deppen – He was talkin’ real mean to my wife Darlene and I really don’t preciate when a man talks to a woman that way. He even hit Papa Hales and you just don’t do that. Pretty sure he told some fat dude in a shirt that I swear said “Gone Fistin” on it to suck his dick. He’s just a ripe butthole, you know? But, he did manage to get a victory over John Poe, so I gotta respect it no matter how much I dislike it.
7. The Carnies – I don’t know what kinda circus these guys usually perform at, but they fit in right at home at W.O.M.B.A.T., and I like the one guy’s jacket. They was fightin’ for the honor of the whole durn state of Tennessee, and they proved just how far they’d go when they put them Smokin’ Budz boys right through the damned wooded barricade. Man, that was crazy.
7. D.J. Arp – The Mississippi River Championship has become one of the biggest indicators of future success in W.O.M.B.A.T. You win that ‘en, and you know you’re going places. I ain’t never seen nobody like this D.J. Arp kid. They’re callin’ him the Large Canine if I ain’t mistaken and golly hiccup I know why.
6. Thug Life – Now, I don’t know too much about them kids they wrestled, but I know that that there A.J. Gray done knocked one of ’em clean out his boots. His daggum soul left his body on that lariat and I wouldn’t be surprised none if we don’t ever see him again. Pretty damn cool shit you ask me, now I hope we can get a Thug Life-Rejects match soon.
5. The Rejects – Them big ol’ burly bastards done went to Tullahoma and beat up on that flamboyant tag team Effy Juice. They was doin’ all that crazy dancin’, but it didn’t trip up The Rejects none. I don’t know if they have tag titles in W.O.M.B.A.T., but these boys oughta get a shot at some sumwhere.
4. Dangerous Doug Gilbert – That fuckin’ bastard kicked Mance Warner right in the damn dick and CHEATED to win. I don’t care if it was a street fight, there’s certain rules y’all oughta bide by when you fight a man and Dangerous Doug didn’t do it. That’s cheap! It ain’t right! By virtue of getting the big win though, whether I gree with the referee’s decision to count the three or not, warrants Gilbert getting a spot high on this list.
3. Nick Gage – Gage was 1-0 on the evening after defeating young upstart Cabana Man Dan. But, it was his ability to survive the perils of the Bob Wire Match against Uncle Byff that really drove the evening home for Gage. I’d say that since the purpose of wrestling a match is to win that if you win all the matches you wrestle in, that’s pretty good. I’m pretty sure he might murder me if I put him any lower on this list, anyway.
2. GQ – Whether the fans liked it or not, GQ went out there in that there ring and he proved just what a tough sumbitch he is! He pulled out a knife and sliced open Grease Lightning’s head! They break fuckin’ ladders in that match! I don’t know if y’all know this or not, but ladders are made out of METAL and they don’t just break all willy nilly. You gotta slam somebody down HARD for it to break a ladder! That was a hard time fought victory and by God GQ deserves that credit. He was the better man and I personally hope we get him and Dundee down the road.
1. Superstar Bill Dundee – Dundee reminded us all of exactly why he’s still got it! You knew right away it was going to be a special night when that Bill Dundee car pulled up in the parking lot. Superstar got himself a damned standing ovation, too!
Then, that squirrelly rascal Tony Deppen had to go and run his mouth. Well, justice was served as Dundee got the biggest win of the night, defeating Deppen and claiming the W.O.M.B.A.T. Television Championship in the process. Dundee looked indestructible at times against Deppen. I swear to God I saw Dundee take Deppen’s best punch and not even move! The locker room cleared out to show the champion respect after the match as he was effectively anointed the King of W.O.M.B.A.T.!
Check out Mose’s recaps of W.O.M.B.A.T. here and GCW’s Lights Out here.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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