To all 12 of you who read last week’s column – I apologize. It’s time to pack up our things and move to the poor side of town. The absolute worst week in Tank the 401k history has us all moving into shoddy wooden shacks all over Nashville. Hope you brought your tarps, because you’ll need ’em for a roof. It’s that bad.
0-6….0 and fucking 6. It’s the first time I’ve had a losing record on the season, and it’s four games below. I imagine I’ve lost the 12 of you left after last week. But, to the one guy out there I know who puts in a parlay ticket for the Tank the 401k picks each week, you’ve been used to losing for a long time.
Still, there’s money to be made here, and it only takes one good week to get us from the shantytowns to million-dollar mansions. Sure, that’s realistic. Let Big Natural put on his boots and go to work one more time.
Where I was Right: Nowhere….except for on Colorado +10.5….too bad I didn’t make that an actual pick. I also said stay away from the O/U in the Giants-Redskins game, and don’t bite on the Bengals -3 vs. the Broncos.
Where I was Wrong: In the NFL, I said neither Tampa Bay nor Los Angeles could score. I said Arkansas-Texas A&M would be a defensive struggle under 40 points. I said Michigan State would win 13-7. I said the Steelers would blow out the Eagles. Fuck, man – I’m tired of taking my medicine. You get it. I had a bad week.
This week, I’m going for ultimate glory….TEN PICKS. This is how reasonable people dig themselves out of holes. Losing? JUST KEEP DOING MORE.
Stoney’s picks
NCAAF: Ole Miss -14.5 vs. Memphis – If you don’t think the Rebels are out for blood in this game, then you don’t understand how revenge works. Ole Miss simply can’t lose another game, Memphis is a somewhat inflated 3-0, and this team will seek to avenge last season, when Memphis effectively ended Ole Miss’ run at the playoffs. There’s certainly no Paxton Lynch commanding the offense this year. Ole Miss wins a 45-28 type of game.
NCAAF: Louisville -2 @ Clemson – Clemson has struggled this season. Plain and simple, they haven’t stayed consistent to 2015’s form. Meanwhile, Louisville’s Lamar Jackson is setting the world ablaze. This is going to be an easier win for the Cardinals than people realize.
NFL: New England -4.5 vs. Buffalo – Sure, Buffalo got a huge win against Arizona, but has anyone even been paying attention to the Patriots? It doesn’t matter who is on the field, because Bill Belichick knows how to kill you by your own hand.
NFL: Denver -3 @ Tampa Bay – The Broncos are for real. I thought they’d take a huge step back, but they haven’t so far. The defense will keep an improved Buccaneers offense in check and win this game by 10.
NFL: Los Angeles +8 @ Arizona – If the Rams can score like they did on Sunday, they could be dangerous. Arizona has some real issues on defense. If Jeff Fisher’s defense can be what it’s supposed to be, he’ll keep them in this game. It’ll be close, if the Rams don’t win it outright.
NCAAF: Utah +2 @ Cal – Yeah, I get it. Road games are tougher in college than in the NFL. Still, Cal screams inconsistency, while Utah has played its way to a #18 ranking. The Golden Bears haven’t played a defense like Utah’s yet, so I expect it’ll bring that offense back to Earth a bit.
NCAAF: Troy -13.5 @ Idaho – Your weekly dip into the Fun Belt! Troy is absolutely rolling right now – they defeated a solid Southern Miss team, and nearly knocked off Clemson. They’re averaging 42.5 points per game. Idaho has struggled to get close wins over Montana State and UNLV, while being blown out by Washington and Washington State. I like the Trojans a lot here, 42-17.
NCAAF: Rutgers @ Ohio State, Under 59 – The Scarlet Knights showed they can be scrappy in Big Ten play, and could have a bowl game on the horizon. Still, they don’t stand much of a chance against a Buckeye team coming off of a bye. Unders in college football are surefire ways of losing money, but I like the spot here. Ohio State gets up early and gets out of the game as a tune-up for tougher match-ups against Indiana and Wisconsin looming. Don’t trust Ohio State to cover -39, but don’t trust Rutgers to hang in at +39 either. Buckeyes win a 38-10 type of game. Play the under.
NFL: Tennessee @ Houston, Under 40.5 – The Texans have a potent offense and will undoubtedly look to right the ship after an embarrassing loss to New England. But, the surprising strength of the Titans has been the defense’s ability to keep offenses out of the end zone. Look at what they did to the electric Oakland Raiders. The game could go either way, so the safer bet is to take the under, as this will probably be another 17-14 type of game.
NFL: Carolina -3 @ Atlanta – Per the eye test measure, the Falcons really aren’t that good. Meanwhile, Carolina sits at 1-2 after facing two tough defenses in Denver and Minnesota and ragdolling San Francisco. Atlanta is more San Francisco than Denver. Cam Newton looks poised to have a big bounce-back game here.
Interesting lines
NCAAF: Washington -3 vs. Stanford – I like the Huskies a lot, and this could serve as the changing of the guard in the Pac-12. But, if we’ve learned anything over the past couple of seasons, it’s that you don’t count David Shaw out. Watch this one, but don’t bet on it.
NCAAF: Florida -10 @ Vanderbilt – This is the perfect spot for Vandy to pull the upset. You get a big OT win against a quality non-conference opponent, and this week, catch a ranked team reeling from their SEC Championship hopes being dashed in Knoxville. Still, I’m not ready to trust the ‘Dores just yet.
NCAAF: LSU -13 vs. Missouri – Weird spot, here. I’d say grab Mizzou +13. They’re better than we thought they were going to be. Plus, LSU just fired Les Miles and seems to be on the verge of chaos. Sometimes, though, teams can rally around such things. Sit this one out.
NCAAF: Kansas @ Texas Tech, O/U 80 – 80 points??? And, Kansas is involved in the game? What the hell? Does Vegas think the Red Raiders can win this game 80-0? I hope that’s what they think.
NFL: Minnesota -4.5 vs. New York Giants – As odd as this sounds, my gut feeling is that this is a winnable game for the Giants. Minnesota is coming off of a huge win against Carolina, while New York suffered its first loss of the season at the hands of the Redskins. My gut was right about the Giants last week, but I still don’t know if this is a team that can rise up and beat a Super Bowl contender.
Now, let’s get out of the slums this week! Also, sorry for not really helping with gambling addiction awareness. LOL y’all are the ones spending money, not me.
Last Week: 0-6
On the Season: 9-13
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley,@PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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