An age-old rivalry more bitter than the Iron Bowl, the struggle between Southern men and fall weddings is a battle waged every season in SEC country. The biggest threat to enjoying college football season is the dreaded social calendar.
Why?
Because that’s not something you can control. No. Billy Windham, who you’ve known since first grade, is not going to call you and say “Hey! Can you shoot me over the 2013 Auburn football schedule? Lisa wants to get married and stuff, so I’m looking for that bye week. Have to make sure you’re free!”
Even worse, you could be married — your wife giving you no choice in the matter. At least if you’re single, you can weigh the options of maintaining a friendship with Billy versus missing Auburn/LSU. I’m sure some of you have at least contemplated this before. I’d be interested in knowing how many friendships have ended by no-showing a wedding to watch football.
Speaking from experience, the social ramifications of a man’s football obsession are astounding. Many of you would be stunned at what a man would do to get out of a wedding to watch football. I can’t even recall all of the instances during which a friend asked “what’s the least painful injury I could sustain to get out of this wedding but NOT go to the hospital?” To be fair, this mentality is not exclusive to weddings. See, holiday hours at work through December for reference as well.
Let’s rewind to 2013 – I am a third generation Alabama fan who had 3 weddings on the social calendar that year. The first came during the team’s bye week, so crisis averted. In fact, the bride comes from a fellow Crimson Tide family. We all proceeded to dance and sing “Sweet Home Alabama” at the reception, shouting “Roll Tide Roll” during every chorus. It was the most glorious ceremony ever held in the South. The other two weddings fell on Sundays, so ladies and gentlemen…I made it through the social calendar unscathed.
Yet, the fact that I was so nervous about my game plan for these weddings spoke volumes about my love for football. Was I going to DVR the games and go dark during the ceremonies?? Could I really risk someone shouting out “How does Cooper drop that ball!? We’re going to lose!” Even worse, what if the Volunteer fans in attendance came up and remarked “Ha. Overlooked Colorado State, didn’t you?” I wouldn’t even know what they were talking about! I would stress about the game for the remainder of the night, until the drunk buddy I haven’t seen since high school, who I’ve reminded all night that I’m DVR-ing the game, walks up and simply says “Alabama won.” I might faint.
Excuse my rambling, but my point is fairly illustrated, no?
My immediate family and friends may think less of me for this. Still, I’m not the only one with such a condition, and I wondered why. Upon thoughtful introspection, I’ve come up with 2 primary reasons men are in a never-ending tussle with fall weddings.
First, diehard SEC fans identify themselves through their team. A man’s morale from September-January is directly correlated with “his” college football’s team. We all love to feel like we are apart of something….that somehow we contribute to the team’s success. Have you ever taken a course in psychology? This phenomenon is known as “basking in reflective glory.” So, essentially, when you invest apart of yourself in something (no matter how ridiculous this concept is in this context), and are asked to neglect that, you’re grumpy!
Second, men don’t grow up fantasizing about their weddings! Typically, if a man looks forward to a wedding, it is because he desires to drink heavily and subsequently shuffle his body onto the dance floor in an attempt to bag a bridesmaid. I know a lot of guys who have had to attend several weddings before they realize just how important of an event it is, myself included. Dudes usually don’t stress about getting married too much. By my estimates, most men expect one day they’ll be married, so it doesn’t feel like an accomplishment. “I’m sure someone out there will put up with me at some point before the time I die.” or even more practical, “weddings are about the bride.” Indeed.
Weddings are solely about the bride. If you disagree, you are not married and/or have never been closely involved in a wedding. The beauty of a woman is something that deserves to be celebrated for all she endures. Most notably, child birth. Nothing about men is beautiful. We are simple creatures of habit who watch sports, drink beer, tell dirty jokes, fart, and laugh uproariously for 5 minutes about said fart.
Look, I know we don’t like anything interfering with our Saturdays…but my advice to any man reading this who has a wedding approaching is simple. Suck it up, go to the wedding, have a good time, and try not to think about football. These are ‘life events’ for the people involved, and you would be surprised at how much it means to them to have you there sharing the experience with them. Someday, you will be married and will appreciate all of the men in attendance for your big day. If you are already married, think of the men who were present at your ceremony, and ask yourself “what if they hadn’t shown up?” Would you still call them a friend? The fact is you will catch next week’s game, and a plethora of highlights from the one missed. And oh yeah, football really isn’t life and death (don’t feel bad. I need to be reminded of that myself on occasion. Okay…quite frequently).
Maybe I can put it into terms us football fans are more accustomed to: We all hope our team is apart of the BCS in January…for the bride involved, the wedding is her BCS bowl.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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