This Aussie Stuck in a Pond Is As Clutch As Clutch Can Possibly Get

 In Humor

Courtesy of the good ol’ BBC“An Australian man has survived spending hours struggling to keep his nose above water after his excavator rolled into a waterhole.

First things first – I want to put this out there for all of my friends and family to see – if I ever….EVER…suggest getting on an excavator myself, you might as well consider me dead. No good can come from my big, dumb, clumsy ass hopping up on one of these things. If this story is about Stoney Keeley in Nashville, Tennessee, it may as well be an obituary.

Yeah – who still wants to laugh at the 6’2″ 280-pound man doing yoga now? Look what it did for Mr. Miller here.

I don’t have any children. I have a girlfriend of nearly six years, but I still think all I’d be thinking would be, “damn it, Stoney. You big dumb fuck. Look at what you’ve done!” Then, I would undoubtedly be so disappointed with myself, I’d slip under. Maybe I need to have kids? Maybe that’s what makes such a strong survival instinct kick in?

Okay, if I’m one of the creators of the Saw movies and I’m reading this, I’m suddenly inspired for a new scene. Doesn’t this almost sound like something out of a Saw movie?

There’s no doubt that if this is me, I’m dead within three minutes. That’s all it’d take. I have weak, asthmatic lungs. If an excavator falls on my back and knocks me into what is essentially quicksand, I’m actually probably thinking, “shit – is there anything I can do to kill myself and not die of suffocation?” I’m reaching around for sharp rocks or something. I do. not. want. to. suffocate.

But, let’s say I can’t find a blunt item of destruction – I give myself three minutes before officially dead. I can hold my breath for maybe a minute – I don’t know. Three minutes may be too generous on my part.

Shit, though – people called Michael Jordan clutch? Give me a break. This is as clutch as it gets.

Pour one out for Daniel fucking Miller tonight. The legendary man full of legendary effort and a whole hell of a lot of love for his wife and children. Salute.

Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley@PFSpot@WrestlingNewsCo@Bama_Hammer

Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork

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