When a monkey ey throws poo @ you @TLBVideos @LadBibliography @EdinburghZoo pic.twitter.com/El0S0qWLnW
— Stewart Love (@stewartloveNFL) April 3, 2017
I’ve watched this a solid hundred times today, and I don’t plan on stopping any time soon.
So many angles to take here, but damn it, that’s what we do here as journalists.
1) First, my God, can we talk about this monkey’s form? This is a lifetime of practice coming to fruition right before our eyes. I mean, in one fell swoop, this monkey squats, shits, catches, and flings that doo-doo like it wasn’t shit. Totally effortless – he/she makes it look so easy, too. And, I can assure you. That is difficult to pull off. I tried in the kitchen earlier after seeing this video. Just to get a sense of how hard it is. It’s like bending a soccer ball.
I wasn’t alive during the Renaissance, but I would imagine this is what people felt like watching Leonardo Da Vinci, Pablo Picasso, Albert Rembrandt (I believe that was his name), and Thomas Kinkade paint back in the day. A real masterpiece.
2) The throw itself was spot-on accurate. I mean, that was like watching Peyton Manning surgically take a part a defense. That was just a straight line throw, either. This monkey had to project it up and over to hit this lady in the nose. A small target, no less! It was like Eli Manning hitting Plaxico Burress on the fade route in the Super Bowl. Just precisely accurate with phenomenal touch on the ball. I can tell by the way it hit that lady’s face that it was a very catchable glob of poop.
3) The monkey is a real showman. I don’t think anyone’s stopped to appreciate that for a second. He/she had to be his/her own hype man, and I absolutely loved the way it built up to the eventual poo fling. Just jumping up and down, waving its hands around, getting the crowd ready for something they didn’t even see coming. This monkey could host awards shows.
4) The shock on granny’s face was evident, but nobody jumped to her fucking aid right away. Y’all need to rethink your priorities.
Hope you people are happy. This is definitely the last trip that grandma is making to any zoo as long as her grandkids are being little shits and laughing at her shitface instead of helping her out. Yeah, grandma – you got a bit on you. But, we’re just going to sit here and laugh instead of helping you. Completely unnecessarily classless of these children to laugh at granny’s expense, IMO. #BeBetter.
Anyway, shit – happy Monday, right?
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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