I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade here, and I certainly don’t judge others for what they do behind closed doors. But, just a week or so ago, I was talking with a friend of the site who shall remain nameless because this is a post about fucking cannibalism about how weird the entire concept is. We were talking about the movie Raw, and it parlayed into a deep philosophical discussion.
Now, this may surprise some people, but we are both pretty vehemently against cannibalism. Which is something I’ve been saying since I was a kid. I think that’s something you should learn pretty early on, but now there’s actual science to show just how bad it is for your body.
Credit to National Geographic:
A new look at the nutritional value of human flesh shows that, compared with other Paleolithic prey animals, humans weren’t especially packed with calories for their size.
“When you compare us to other animals, we’re not very nutritional at all,” says study author James Cole of the University of Brighton, who published his work Thursday in Scientific Reports.
So, there you have it in plain English. Humans are just empty calories. Like a giant, walking, flesh-covered Big Macs. Ain’t nothing about eating a human nutritional or, in my opinion, beneficial to your psychological well-being.
Cole argues that perhaps not all ancient cannibalism was for filling bellies; it may have also served various social functions for early humans and their ancestors.
Now, this is just kind of sick. I’m beginning to think I probably wouldn’t cut it as a cave man. Not if it involved literally eating another person at parties. Was that the thing back in prehistoric times?
Like, today we have dances, showers, housewarming parties, graduations, all kinds of social functions. But, back in the day, they had big cannibal parties where they ate people? Just seems a bit uncivilized for humans to do.
I don’t think I could ever find myself in a situation where cannibalism is not only accepted, but encouraged. It just seems like a bad thing to do and these neanderthals should probably be ashamed of themselves for letting the other neanderthals peer pressure them into cannibalism.
What were y’all thinking? That’s a question I’d like answered by a representative of the cave man community.
Most likely, ancient people survived by being incredibly opportunistic, and sometimes cannibalistic, says Bill Schutt, a biology professor at Long Island University’s Post campus and author of the new book Cannibalism: A Perfectly Natural History. (Read an interview with Schutt.)
This sounds like we’re reading a cave man’s resume. “Well, as far as my qualifications go, I am both opportunistic and cannibalistic.”
“Congrats, buddy! You got the job!”
Also, who is the sick fuck who actually wrote a book about this?!? Some things should just stay in the past. We shouldn’t be celebrating cannibalism the way National Geographic is here. I thought this was a more responsible news outlet.
“Cannibalism is extremely widespread in the animal kingdom,” Schutt says, and humans are no exception. “What makes us different are the rituals, the culture, the taboos,” he says. “We’ve been patterned to believe that cannibalism is the worst thing you could do.”
Uhhhh – what makes us different is that we have fucking brains, sir. I don’t know – maybe it’s just me, but I don’t know of any rituals and culture regarding cannibalism. I think the main difference between us and other animals is that we know better than to eat the person next to us.
Indeed, Cole says that working out the calorie count of human flesh was a bit disconcerting, as it forced him to think about what cannibalism would be like. “I found it quite difficult to eat bacon for the last year or so,” he says.
Why? Was it human bacon? I don’t get you, buddy.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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