The movies really make any sort of defense in a court of law look feasible. Remember how when we were all kids we thought you could get away with anything if you could prove you were insane? Then, you got older, and realized that the insanity defense never really works at all. Well, down there in Florida, they’ve got a real creepy looking dude who has cooked up the next great defense.
Richard Henry Patterson, who lives in Margate, not far from Fort Lauderdale, is accused of murder. He has always admitted that he choked his girlfriend, 60-year-old Francisca Martinez. But he did not say exactly how she choked to death. He now claims that she died while performing oral sex, and his attorneys wants a judge’s permission to show the jury his penis to prove that it is large to enough to cause an accidental choking death.
First of all, this is disgusting and I feel uncomfortable writing about this. I don’t know how I’m going to feel about myself after I make jokes about this story, but I’m willing to give it a shot because this is the news.
Anyway, HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN!? Maybe I don’t want to actually know that. But, did ol’ Dick Henry here fall asleep at the wheel? Did it get stuck and he just wasn’t there to help out ’cause he was sawing logs? Or, was it one of those instances where he thought she enjoyed it and didn’t let up?
Gross – I can’t believe I’m writing this. For one, the mental imagery is just gut-wrenching. This guy looks like Anthony Hopkins mated with Ashley Schaeffer from Ashley Schaeffer’s BMW. Another thing, what a damn horrible way to go. I can’t even imagine – then again, it’s not like I enjoy chuggin’ hogs on the weekends, either. I’ve known a few men and women in my life who probably couldn’t think of a better way to go. Doin’ what he/she loves.
I don’t know anymore – I’m beginning to think I’m losing my understanding of people. When shit like this keeps coming out, you just don’t know anymore. What is the world coming to?
And, now, this motherfucker wants to whip it out in a got damn court of law to prove it? I don’t think this is actually a defense strategy. I think he probably just wants to show it off.
“Patterson’s attorney called his argument a variation on the “rough sex” defense that has been used in numerous trials across the country over the years. The heart of the argument, which is not often successful, is similar in each case: The victim died by accident while engaged in consensual sexual activity.”
What!?!? A “rough sex” defense exists, too?!?! What the fuck is wrong with the world where people are having such rough sex THAT THEY DIE. Am I such a naive, innocent child that I have no idea such an underworld of deadly sex exists? Probably.
Penis size has been used as a legal argument in other cases, albeit in the opposite way. Last year, the lawyer for a Canadian man accused of choking and assaulting two sex workers in 2013 claims that he could not have committed the crimes because his penis is too small.
Alright, I’m out. Fuck this story and this dude’s grotesquely huge penis – I’m creeped out. I don’t want to read anymore about how the size of your penis can win you a lawsuit. BYE.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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