Times are tense these days. Every day, it seems like there’s a new threat to our peace and security. When it feels like we’re on World War III’s doorstep, things can get hairy in a hurry. You call it paranoia, but I say we’re just doing our jobs as journalists of integrity. We have to break news when we hear it, and today – we’re getting word of an entirely new threat.
Courtesy of Nashville Public Radio:
Black bears are on their way to Middle Tennessee. That’s the cautious heads-up coming from state wildlife officials, who say residents will need to get accustomed to living with bears in the vicinity.
I knew it. I knew it from the last time I visited Gatlinburg, and one of these motherfuckers looked me square in the eye like, “enjoy your day, old timer. It’s only a matter of time before we come take your house and all you hold dear.” I laughed at the creature for its stupidity, of course. What harm could a bear in Gatlinburg do to my home in Nashville, right? Well, deep down – it was unsettling and I haven’t let go of that fateful encounter 24 years ago. Now, it makes sense. The time has come and we must ready ourselves.
Already, bear sightings are picking up at the edge of the Cumberland Plateau, in places like Macon County to the northeast of Nashville. In Coffee and Franklin counties to the southeast, there have even been some cubs spotted, which suggests reproduction rather than a bear simply passing through. And there’s nothing stopping black bears from encroaching on population centers.
There it is. Their master plan has been unveiled. They’re going to creep closer and closer, hoping we don’t notice, then, they’re just going to fuck all over our lawns and leave behind baby soldiers. It’s genius, really. Sun Tzu would be proud of these bears, and would probably have included a chapter on this technique in his famed pamphlet, The Art of War. I don’t know why we didn’t try this in Vietnam, to be honest. Could’ve just flown over, had some babies, got the hell out of Dodge, and by now, those little babies would be fighting machines. We could’ve won the war without a single casualty because they never would’ve seen an army of babies coming.
Bears were hunted to death in all but 11 mountainous counties in Tennessee, according to state records. They began bouncing back in the 1970s after new regulations and a crackdown on poaching in the 1980s.
They were probably hunted to death because they kept trying to eat us. I mean, it’s the only thing that makes sense, right? RIGHT!? People were SO MUCH smarter back in the 1950s and 1960s before things like science and global warming made everyone a dumbass. “The bears are fucking shit up, so let’s kill the bears.” No need to elaborate – a simple plan offering a simple solution for a simple problem. But now, because of all the sissies born in the last 47 years, the bears are back for vengeance.
It’s been years since Tennessee took a reliable count, but Gibbs says a thorough population estimate should be completed in the next three years.
Well, good, Gibbs – glad we’re counting all the bears that are going to murder us in three years.
As for the future, the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency expects to take a hands-off approach, avoiding trapping and relocating bears if at all possible.
“We’re going to let bear population take care of itself,” Gibbs says. “They’re just reclaiming their old territory.”
Confirmed. The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency is in cahoots with the black bears. Hug your children tonight. Hope we make it to the morrow.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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