Some Pro Tips for the Guy Who Vandalized Stuff at Opry Mills

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‘Tis the season for mall fights and hordes of stressed-out, overcrowded people at Opry Mills. Luckily, I’ve finished all of my shopping and don’t have to get out in this mess anymore this season. It’s kind of depressing, anyway…we’re still a week out from Christmas and stores are starting to clear their holiday sections out, marking things down to 70% off. It’s starting to feel like the holidays are already over.

Anyway, you’ll see a lot of crazy shit at malls this time of year, but typically it’s over a Hatchimal…or a Furby (if it’s 1996 – I’m just reaching for examples, people). Well, in this case, it appears a man vandalized equipment as a celebratory tribute to the culinary wonders of Macaroni Grille.

Courtesy of Nashville Patch:

According to an affidavit, Garrod Hathaway finished his meal, walked out of the restaurant, grabbed a metal stanchion, busted the window of the restaurant, destroyed a nearby sign and then climbed on a stage set up for holiday musical performances.

In the manner of The Who’s Pete Townshend and former WWE Intercontinental champion The Honky Tonk Man , he lifted a guitar over his head and executed a tribute to Nashville wrestling legend Jeff Jarrett’s “El Kabong,” bashing the guitar on the stage. According to a police report, he also destroyed a speaker.

The video is actually in the article, so you’re going to have to click the link to watch it, but it’s worth it, and you should really be supporting Nashville Patch anyway. While you’re at it, give J.R. Lind a follow. He isn’t the second best Tweeter in Nashville for nothin’ folks.

Anyway, on to the story. I’m always happy to see people happy, and judging from the looks of things, this guy is happy. Are there more productive ways to express that? Yes. Most definitely, but I, too, have lost control of myself after a really good meal at Macaroni Grille. Still, that said, I think there’s a way I can help this man for future incidents of guitar bashing.

1. Yes, this is a decent enough homage to Jeff Jarrett, but the guitar does not break clean. I’m not sure if he knew or not, but most guitars are gimmicked in pro wrestling. That’s to say, most of them were built to break easy. Next time, he should bring his own gimmicked guitar so that it breaks in a more entertaining fashion.

2. The outfit needs some work. I mean, if you’re going to put yourself in the same class as the Honky Tonk Man, you’re going to need the threads to keep up, and HTM set quite the precedent in lavish outfits. Next time I see you destroying property, sir, I challenge you to have a more elaborate style and outfit.

3. Showmanship was decent. I was simultaneously drawn in and weirded out, so that’s the mark of a good performance and all. But, maybe next time get the crowd involved a little more. Instead of throwing speakers at mall-goers, why not bring a few on stage to toss it onto the floor with you.

4. We’re all guilty of consuming a little too much around the holidays. But, maybe cut back on the Macaroni Grille if this is who it turns you into. There’s no shame in that. I know plenty of people who can’t drink tequila because it makes them angry….can’t drink vodka because it makes them pass out in ditches. There’s no shame in giving up Macaroni Grille if it makes you vandalize a mall. That’s self-awareness, and we could all use a little more of that.

Lastly, I hope you’ve enjoyed this article, alternatively titled “Macaroni Grille: I’ll Have What He’s Having.”

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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