Correcting Hinge’s Most Eligible Bachelor List

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The biggest part of what we do here is hold people accountable. Sure, we try to entertain people. Try to make them laugh, think, all that bullshit. But, for the most part, we just try to hold people accountable for their actions. Some of you may have noticed that Business Insider released dating app Hinge’s list of the 100 most eligible singles in America earlier this week. Well, we’ve all taken a look and come to one conclusion:

In New York, they got it all wrong, and they deserve to be held accountable for it.

But, hey – we aren’t the type of people who constantly complain about problems without providing solutions. So, that’s what I’ve done today. I’ve corrected their list for them.

The SoBros Network’s Most Eligible, New York

5. Kenny Hearn – First of all this quote:

Someone to challenge me intellectually, physically, professionally, etc etc…but really someone who can beat me in movie trivia.

Is 10,000,000% #FakeNews. I do not buy for one bit that this is an actual quote. Why? Because anyone that knows Kenny Hearn knows that there is no one on Earth that can challenge him intellectually, physically, and professionally.

What I’m saying is that this sounds like something Hinge made up to sound really smooth and seductive to get clicks. It reads like it came from a Nicholas Sparks novel, and every time I read it, I hear it in Ryan Gosling’s voice.

But, that person doesn’t exist. If it said, “I’m looking for someone to watch soccer at 4AM with me, even if we’re on vacation at Six Flags,” I would’ve believed it.

4. Kenny Hearn – He is in peak physical conditioning, and I don’t think Hinge is selling that enough. I played kickball with the man back in the mid-2000s, watched him win our friends-only tennis tournament in 1,000-degree weather. No one on the field or court was as complete an athlete as he was.

I’m just saying, perhaps Hinge should’ve made that more apparent. I read that blurb, and I don’t really get the ‘champion’ vibe. But, that’s exactly who Kenny Hearn is – a bona fide champion. And if it’s one thing people know about champions, it’s that they command the bedroom. There was a definite opportunity for marketable lust that Hinge just completely dropped the ball on.

 

New York’s most eligible bachelor (left), and your’s truly (right).

3. Kenny Hearn – You have to take the pedigree of this guy into account here, Hinge. When someone tells you in great detail what they do for a living, and you look at them like they’re speaking a foreign language, that’s usually an indicator of how smart they are. Like, I legitimately have no idea what Kenny Hearn does for a living, and I know that’s because what he does is way above my level of comprehension. That alone could warrant him getting the top spot.

2. Kenny Hearn – This man is one of the nicest, coolest guys walking the Earth right now. I mean, I don’t have my immediate power rankings at the ready, but off the top of my head, he’s gotta be top 10. That doesn’t come across on your list, Hinge.

1. Kenny Hearn – Finally, it has been rumored that Kenny Hearn is next in line to play James Bond. Can’t remember exactly where I read that, but I can tell you that it doesn’t surprise anyone that knows Kenny Hearn at all.

And, there you have it, folks. That’s our list of the top five most eligible bachelors in New York City.

Hinge, Business Insider….do the right thing. Admit that Kenny Hearn is not a “top five” eligible single in NYC….he is the eligible single in NYC.

Also, this was a hot topic in the SoBros Network Slack group today:

Disclaimer: Kenny Hearn is a dear friend of the site, and this article was written with his blessing (kind of).

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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