Nashville, I’m Officially Declaring War on Squirrels

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Once upon a time, I liked squirrels. I thought they were so cute and cuddly, and they were the nice little creatures you read about in fairy tales. The same ones that helped Snow White get dressed up to dance with Aladdin, if I’m not mistaken. I was a big fan of Alvin and the other squirrels that

Well, that changed when I became an adult and moved into an apartment that’s infested with squirrels. Seriously, we’re up on the third floor of our apartment building and we hear the fuckin’ things running roughshod up in the attic space. The other day, I’m working from home and I hear a loud collision as one of them fell down our chimney and collided with the flue.

That was one of those ‘life flashes before your eyes’ moments for me, though. Like, I’m immediately thinking of how I’m going to confront this squirrel if it gets through. What if the thing breaks? What if that squirrel chews all the way through the metal? Should I just let it out and enter the fray like Liam Neeson in The Grey?

I got the broom and was ready to send that sumbitch into orbit if need be, but he climbed up the chimney and went back to wreaking havoc in the attic.

We have put in numerous maintenance requests to have the squirrels taken care of, but they keep coming back. Lately, the maintenance team hasn’t even been responding to our requests. I’m beginning to think that the squirrels have eaten the maintenance team, or a far worse possibility, the squirrels have brainwashed the maintenance team into letting the squirrels run the operation.

All this time, though, these little shits have only been a pain in my ass. Now, I hear that a couple of days ago, one took out power for a lot of our city’s folks.

Courtesy of The Tennessean:

Some residences and businesses lost power in downtown Nashville late Monday afternoon, thanks to the work of a squirrel.

Though it wasn’t immediately clear how many Nashville Electric Service customers were affected by the early evening outage, it appeared the Metro courthouse was among buildings that lost electricity, causing the city council to temporarily adjourn multiple times.

Son of a bitch. Do you know what happens when residences and businesses lose power? They can’t operate. You try and microwave a burrito without power and see what happens. If you want to read, guess what – there’s no lights without power. So, a lot of shit can go wrong.

And, it was all the result of one little squirrel, who probably got an attitude, and took it upon himself to harm the city. I’m not proud to say it, but you guys know I’m always honest with you – I hope that squirrel died.

Now, I would say that this is beneath me, but I root for death all the time. Wasps, spiders, the robots that are taking our jobs. Lots of creatures. So, it’s really not all that outlandish, and because it’s normal behavior for me, that makes it acceptable. Welcome to 2018, folks.

It also wasn’t immediately clear what NES suspects the squirrel did to cause the outage, though the company noted that “squirrels are one of the top causes for power outages” and “unfortunately wander into places they shouldn’t sometimes.”

Yeah, no shit! Like falling down someone’s chimney!

Not only are squirrels disgusting nuisances who only care about who has the nut (and for any squirrels that might be reading this, I’VE GOT THE NUT AND YOU CAN’T HAVE IT), but they are deadlier to power lines than almost any other creature. Even scary ones like sharks – you don’t see great whites taking out an entire block’s electricity. You don’t see mosquitos robbing people of their power.

Nashville – at first the squirrels wronged me. But, now – they’re wronging us ALL. We need to band together to keep our city intact. It’s really a simple request.

All I’m asking is that Mayor Megan Barry issue a lifetime ban to all squirrels in the Nashville area. It’s the right thing to do. If they do not heed this warning, I am officially declaring war on these piss ass rodents.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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