Super Bowl LII is Sunday night, folks, and it’s crunch time. If you’re like many red-blooded Americans, Super Bowl Sunday is a veritable holiday, and you’re just as pumped for the party as you are for the game. Well, that’s most people. I’m actually a football junkie, so I usually prefer to watch the game in a quieter setting so I can focus, but I digress. Regardless, it’s a big day. And, you may have a party planned at your place. Fret not, your friendly neighborhood SoBro is here to help you get it right. It’s our official SoBros Network Super Bowl Party Guide.
What is the first thing you think about when you hear the term ‘Super Bowl party?’ It’s the food. Duh. No party is complete without a smorgasbord capable of feeding an army of vikings. So, let’s get to it.
Food
You want the right combination of variety and sustainability. Don’t fry a turkey – that’s impractical, and it’s too hard for people to enjoy easily.
Stick with finger foods – it is cheese plate season, after all. I’d recommend a strong Irish cheddar, a rosemary asiago, and a chipotle jack to start with. Nothing too fancy, you don’t want to rub in how wealthy you are to your poor peasant friends. Do some garlic stuffed olives, pepperoni, and ham, and top it off with pretzel thins and Ritz crackers. That’s a solid foundation for a great cheese plate. Be sure you get it right, though – this will be your last chance at a decent cheese plate until September, because we all know that cheese plate season coincides with football season.
But, if you’re not into the cheese plate thing, first of all, fuck you I’m not coming to your Super Bowl party. Second of all, there are plenty of other options. Chips and dips, pizza rolls, peanuts.
Basically, if it doesn’t have kale in it and you can microwave it, you’re good. Oh, and I typically instruct my guests to BYOB, but it never hurts to buy a case of Diet Millers just in case.
Also, just for fun – throw some Milkbones out at the buffet in case anyone wants to bring their dog. If not, you may be able to sneak one onto your wife’s friend Janice’s plate and watch her eat before noticing.
The important thing here is that you want to stuff every one of your guests with so much food that they feel miserable. That is the true spirit of the Super Bowl party.
If you’re going to set out something messy like wings or chili, BE SURE to remember the napkins, maybe even some moist towelettes.
But, the most important thing you do is remember the essentials – you absolutely CANNOT, under any circumstance, even your own death, forget the lil smokeys and Rotel dip.
Accommodations
Depending on the number of invites you sent out, you have to plan logistics at this thing. It may mean setting up the TV somewhere else. You don’t want someone blocking the screen every time they have to get up and walk across the room to take a shit.
You laugh, but keep in mind, you’re stuffing your guests with cheese and wings. There’s going to be a lot of shitting going on over the course of the entire game.
Matter of fact, you may want to keep a bucket outside just in case there’s too much traffic in the bathroom.
But, you’re going to have people frequently changing positions to either shit or get more food. Make sure your seating is arranged in a way that allows people easy access to these places. Last thing you want is everyone shifting around trying to see the TV as Ron walks by with a gurgling stomach full of beer and pizza.
Equipment
If you don’t have a gigantic television and awesome sound system, then what the fuck are you even doing? Quit reading this article and start canceling your Super Bowl party.
Also, be sure to have a second tv going somewhere in case the real football fans want to get away from the party and focus on the game. I can’t tell you how many big Super Bowl parties I’ve been to where I’ve thought, “Jesus I wish this dipshit would shut up about his dog getting into the peanut butter job again so I could hear Joe Buck”
You never know what you’re going to miss, and you definitely don’t want to miss a big play because someone’s asking what you think of the wings.
That’s why I always have a backup plan – make it known only to the people who you know are diehard football fans, and if at any point of the night, you notice they are missing, don’t dare say a word to anyone.
Since everyone will be shitting so much, it’s safe to pass off the ol’ “oh Jeff’s in the bathroom” excuse, and no one will bat an eye.
Just remember – if your party doesn’t fit this description, then you might as well not even have one. People will hate it and no one will have fun and you will forever be banished from hosting Super Bowl parties. Just saying.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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