It’s finally here, folks – been a long road to get here, but we’re finally here. It’s New Orleans, and hell yeah it’s WrestleMania 34. Let’s quit jabberin’ and get down to brass tax. I have a lot of words to write here tonight.
Kickoff Show
Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal – Winner: Woken Matt Hardy – Really shocked that there wasn’t a single entrance, not a single surprise entrant in this thing (unless you’re counting Mike Bennett). The surprise this year is that there is no surprise. Honestly, I thought the action was pretty boring at first. There’s just a lot of dudes in the ring – newsflash: that makes it hard for people to move around.
Things didn’t really get interesting until we got to the final three: Woken Matt Hardy, Baron Corbin, and Mojo Rawley. The buzzards flash and Bray freakin’ Wyatt shows up in the middle of the ring. Wyatt helps Hardy eliminate Rawley and Corbin, and since Wyatt wasn’t an official entrant, Hardy gets the W. Then, they lead a massive DELETE chant and suddenly, this turned into a fun little match. Rating: 6.5/10.
Cruiserweight Championship: Cedric Alexander def. Mustafa Ali – it’s the heart vs. the soul of 205 Live, and these guys are two bona fide workhorses. This match was such a great blend of classic mat wrestling, story-telling, and high-flying action. I can’t believe we got multiple Spanish Fly-s in a WWE ring. Ultimately, Alexander gets the win after pulling the classic “stay down/that’s enough” storyline, and hooking the Lumbar Check. Excellent showcase of the Cruiserweights. Rating: 8.5/10.
WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal – Winner: Naomi – Nice to see the NXT women getting some shine. Definitely good to see Peyton Royce and Kairi Sane in main roster action. I was really rooting for Ruby Riott, but Naomi was a nice surprise. Still say Sasha Banks vs. Bayley should’ve happened in a singles match, but I’m glad that it didn’t come down to these two in earnest. Rating: 6.5/10.
WrestleMania 34 Main Show
Intercontinental Championship: Seth Rollins def. The Miz and Finn Balor – WOW – what a set of entrances to start this show. Rollins as a White Walker. Miz sending the Miz-tourage to the back. Balor coming out with the LGBQ community from New Orleans. Just awesome stuff. The match started and stayed pretty up-tempo with each guy looking strong. Nice exchange where Rollins hits a super kick on Balor then ate a DDT from The Miz. Loved Miz trying to soften up the knees for the Figure Four. Rollins hits a Frog Splash from the rafters. MY GOD – the Cous de Gras to Miz…Rollins breaks up the pin with a Curb Stomp on Balor, in to The Miz’s back…then a Curb Stomp to Miz. Rollins gets the 1-2-3, and holy cow – that’s how you open a WrestleMania. Rating: 8.5/10.
SmackDown Women’s Championship: Charlotte Flair def. Asuka – I was out of breath just from watching the early minutes of this match. No doubt these two are in peak cardio conditioning. Flair slows the match down, but gets caught – goes for a moonsault, but Asuka counters it into a submission that I can’t remember right now. Flair dodges the hip attack, then delivers a big boot to Asuka’s head. Asuka recovers and delivers a brutal suplex to Flair from the apron to the arena floor. Flair on her back saying, “I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.”
Nice bit where Flair crawls back into the ring and says, “is that all you got? I’m THE QUEEN.” Flair hits a spear for the ages on Asuka. These two ladies are laying it all on the line. Flair follows up with an excruciating Figure Eight and ASUKA TAPS. You read that correctly. Phenomenal match. Rating: 9/10.
United States Championship: Jinder Mahal def. Randy Orton, Bobby Roode, and Rusev – Four guys with great pedigrees, but the build has been outright boring. One of those matches where we knew all along it’d probably be a decent match, but didn’t care about the weekly programming. And, the match delivered on that. Thought it was cool to see Rusev standing in the ring to a chorus of ‘Rusev Day’ chants. Unfortunately, he was pinned by Mahal seconds later. Fun match – can’t help but wonder how much longer Rusev will be with WWE. Dude’s over as hell and they’re dropping the ball with him. Could definitely see him being one of those guys who walks away from the E and pursues opportunities elsewhere. Rating: 7/10.
Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey def. Triple H & Stephanie McMahon – I never would’ve pegged this as the show stealer, but wow. So much drama, the crowd was into it, and all four people involved looked excellent. Rousey can go – she really does have ‘superstar’ written all over her. I loved that Triple H made an executive decision to allow intergender wrestling so that he could go one on one with Rousey. She looked great, though – loved the exchange when she was chuckin’ knucks at Triple H. Overall, a real show stealer. Rating: 9.5/10.
SmackDown Tag Team Championship: The Bludgeon Brothers def. The Usos and New Day – Fun change of pace match to follow the high drama of Rousey’s debut. Happy to see these guys get the main show. It was fast, and served as the perfect palate cleanser. Long overdue for Harper and Rowan, too. Rating: 8/10.
Undertaker def. John Cena – Quick shout out to Elias. He may not have had a match, but my God. You can’t ask for a better spot on the card. Playing the foil, getting beat up by Cena, and ultimately just being involved in one of the biggest angles on WrestleMania. Now, on to the action. I loved the psychology of this. Cena was so surprised that he got caught up, lost focused, and slipped up. I’m okay with the squash route. They made this whole angle worth it. Now, I hope that’s it for ‘Taker. Maybe it leads to an ‘old man Cena’ type of run. I don’t know. But, that was a pretty cool moment. Rating: 8.5/10.
Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon def. Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn – Genius play going with the injury angle early on. They’re doing a great job of making each match feel different so far tonight. Keeping it from feeling stale. Bryan comes out and appears to get a little choked up and suddenly I’m not crying. You’re crying. Shane takes a beating to make it look like dire straits, just for Bryan to return, and holy shit – he still has it. Passing out drop kicks and chops. Thought Zayn did an excellent job of selling Bryan’s offense. Bryan didn’t look like he’s missed a single step. Hits the running knee and the Yes Lock and Zayn is done. Rating: 8.5/10.
Raw Women’s Championship: Nia Jax def. Alexa Bliss – I really thought this match had a shot at being a squash, but they elected not to go that route. They added some shenanigans to the match to sort of level the playing field. Nia really laid into Mickie James and left her looking like she’d been hit by a car. Bliss starts working the knee, trying to chop Nia down. This is already much more competitive than I thought it’d be. Not sure what Bliss was doing on that gorilla press slam. Think they would’ve been better served to have the squash, but not going to complain too much about it. That Samoan Drop off the middle rope looked nasty. Happy to see Nia finally get the gold. Rating: 7/10.
WWE Championship: A.J. Styles def. Shinsuke Nakamura – This one’s going to go awhile. Feels like a major ‘slow burn’ type of match. Styles spent some serious time in a triangle choke. Both guys sell injuries – Nakamura’s left knee, and Styles’ back. Styles hits a beautiful Phenomenal Forearm, but Nakamura kicks out. Seems like the crowd is just exhausted at this point. Hell of a contest, though – at one point, Corey Graves said it was like “two warriors” going at it and that’s exactly what it felt like. Not too surprised to see Styles get the win here. But, boy – a Nakamura heel turn caught me completely off guard. Perfectly executed. Rating: 8.5/10
Raw Tag Team Championship: Braun Strowman and a child def. The Bar – I’m glad some of you are happy with that, but it fucking blows. Rating: 1/10, because Strowman pushed a giant float off the stage.
Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar def. Roman Reigns – Main event time. Physical contest, but man – seven hours is just too long to ask people to sit through. Pair that with the fact that the crowd was bound to turn on this match anyway, and it wasn’t really set up for success. It’s not like it was a terrible match, either. But, man – when you see an F5 through an announce table and the crowd doesn’t even pop? Shit. Really takes the wind out of the sails. Shocked that Lesnar got the pin, but what are you going to do? Have Reigns kick out of a million F5s? Really bothered to see what was shaping up to be an all-time great ‘Mania end on such a sour note. Rating: 4/10.
Overall: 7/10. I’m mixed up about this show. It really could’ve been a classic – and maybe time will show it still can be. But, the last two matches just completely derailed the show.
Quick Match Rankings:
5. Miz-Balor-Rollins
4. DB & Shane vs. Sami & Kevin
3. Styles vs. Nakamura
2. Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka
1. Angle & Rousey vs. Triple H & Steph
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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