The “New Jersey Mystery Pooper” sounds like the villain on the weirdest episode of Scooby-Doo ever. Could you imagine if Scoob and the gang got that phone call? “Someone’s cuttin’ turds on the high school track. We need your help!”
JINKIES!
But, think about it – you know there aren’t that many ghost stories out there. To stay in business, I would imagine if you’re Scooby-Doo, you’re going to have to take a case like this every once in a while just to keep the bills paid. The Mystery Machine don’t run on thank yous.
Anyway, that’s where my mind went when I saw this….but, on to the actual story of the New Jersey Mystery Pooper.
The Kenilworth school superintendent charged Monday with defecating in publicwas caught in the act at the Holmdel High School football field and track after surveillance was set up due to human feces being found “on a daily basis,” police said.
Track coaches and staff at Holmdel High School told the district’s resource officer that they found human feces on or near the football field and track daily, Holmdel police said in a statement Thursday.
School employees began monitoring the area and on Monday police arrested Tramaglini at 5:50 a.m., according to Sgt. Theodore Sigismondi.
Man, what a great tale of a community coming together to stop a dude from shitting all over the high school track.
I mean, don’t get me wrong…this is fucking sad. Like, this dude was pooping on the track SO much that they had to assemble a team to watch the track at all times. And, how did he not know about the surveillance? Was he not a part of those conversations? Or, was this just the handiwork of some track coaches who were fed up with finding human shit every day?
Can’t say I blame ’em, but man oh man – you think you know people. It seems like in cases like this and in Scooby-Doo, it’s always the person you’d least expect.
Tramaglini has taken a paid leave of absence from his $147,504 a year job in Kenilworth. Leave can only be unpaid if a person is indicted or faces tenure charged, the district said, citing state law.
Just think – this dude was getting paid nearly $150K, presumably a grown ass man, and he was spending his early morning dumping turds all over the place.
And, you know what – there’s nothing in this story about them finding toilet paper nearby. This dude dropped a deuce and probably finished his run with muddy buns. Some would call that reckless journalism to speculate like that, and they’d be right. But, I prefer to call it “connecting the dots.”
Finally, on a completely unrelated note that has no business being in this blog, “Nature Boy” Brandon Vick can do a mean Shaggy impression.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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