Hot debate in the SoBros Network Slack group this morning as we were all discussing Avengers: Infinity War. Somehow, we ended up on the topic of “the SoBros as Avengers” and since it’s a damn slow news week and I’m having trouble find stuff interesting enough to write about, I thought “fuck it – let’s do this – the SoBros as Avengers: Infinity War characters.” Let’s go.
So, I took our most active content producers and slapped a character on ’em. It’s like “what would the Avengers be like if they were a bunch of drunks?”
The SoBros as Avengers: Infinity War Characters
“Big Natural” Stoney Keeley as Thor – I am writing this article, so I get to be the sexiest man in the universe if I want to be. Plus, I love being electric and swinging shit around as hard as I can. I can also drink a ton of beer. So, it just seems like a natural fit for me.
“Nature Boy” Brandon Vick as Star-Lord – On the surface, people just see Brandon as the funny guy who dresses unusually well. But, you go on a few adventures with the guy and you realize he’s got quite a bit of super-hero in him. He’s charismatic, passionate about the things he loves, and appreciates a good tune. His dance moves are on par with Peter Quill’s as well.
Poppa Bear as Captain America – I always call Poppa Bear our sort of moral compass. He’s one of those rare guys that you can always count on to do what’s right. Plus, he’s incredibly resourceful, just like Cap. I’d definitely want him on my side in a fight. We will have to get him a trash can or something to use as a shield.
Cadbury Pringlebatch as The Winter Soldier – When I see Bucky, all I think about is “loyalty.” I mean, sure – he’s a badass super soldier with a robot arm. But, it’s his dedication to Captain America and the Avengers that stands out to me. That’s Cadbury. The guy is as dedicated to the cause as anyone. Plus, he knows how to ride a motorcycle, which is important in giant superhero battles.
Rubber Rooster as Black Panther – Like the Black Panther, Rooster is wise and adept with technology. But, it’s her willingness to hold people accountable that earns her this slot. I would not be surprised at all to learn of Rooster running an entire nation and government in secret. She’s a former soccer player, too, so I bet she’s athletic enough to pull off all of the acrobatic karate stuff.
Ralph Wiggum as Groot – Groot is quietly one of the biggest power houses of the group. He’s compassionate and caring, but at the same time, can grow a tree out of his arm and run it through five people at a time. I don’t expect Ralph is out there stabbing people, but we’ll consider that a metaphor for his technical prowess. Ralph is always good for some comedic relief, too.
Herbie Brooks as Spider-Man – He’s new to the group (2017 co-Rookie of the Year), but incredibly supportive of the team and always eager to prove himself as the incredible asset that he is. He’s super productive, brings new ideas to the business, and is a true team player.
Smokey as Doctor Strange – If there’s one man that understands the complexities of time and space like no one else on this team can, it’s Smokey. Master of the IT Dimension, the work he’s put in on this site on the back end is incredible. Like Doctor Strange wielding the Time Stone. But, he’s also versatile enough to pitch in to take on the Mad Titan that is #content.
John Mosley as Rocket Raccoon – Mose is a master of sarcasm and is one hilarious dude. But, when he gets serious, when it’s time to work, John Mosley knows his shit. Sure, his shit is pro wrestling, sports, and pop culture, but he is just as knowledgeable in those fields as Rocket is at making weapons. He may be new to the Avengers…errr…SoBros…but no one is questioning what he brings to the table.
Paul Heggen as Iron Man – Okay, he’s not officially on the team, even if we are going to have an oil painting of his likeness hanging in our office one day, but come on – Paul Heggen is a dead ringer for Iron Man.
This has been easily one of the best pieces of journalism we’ve run on this site and I appreciate y’all joining me here today. Carry on.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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