Halloween is right around the corner, and folks, I am all for zany marketing gimmicks and spooky themed events. But, when I read this story about Six Flags’ 30 hour coffin challenge…well….I had to draw the line.
If you like small spaces and being in the dark, Six Flags St. Louis has got a challenge for you!
The theme park is hosting a Fright Fest 30-Hour Coffin Challenge on Oct. 13.
The challenge starts at 1 p.m. Saturday until 7 p.m. the next day.
What does that entail exactly?
Well, Six Flags St. Louis will provide 6 lucky participants the following:
- 2′ x 7′ ‘slightly used’ coffins
- Meals, snacks, drinks
- One six-minute bathroom break every hour
- Phone charging stations
- Random visits by ‘Fright Fest Freaks’
Anyone who exits the 2′ x 7′ box for any other reason will be disqualified.
That is so easy. I always build a veritable fort of pillows around my body to sleep. No doubt in my mind that I could survive 30 hours in a coffin, just sittin’ there in the dark. Hell, up the stakes – don’t give me the bathroom breaks. Just let me go in the coffin. I don’t care. Don’t give me food for the entirety of the stunt. I don’t care. Fill the coffin with bird seed. I. DO. NOT. CARE.
Anything to make it more challenging than just scrolling through my phone for over a day. You don’t think I’ve already done that before? Spoiler alert: I have. I have been a completely useless piece of shit for longer than 30 hours before. That’s for sure. So, I wouldn’t have any reservations about doing with precious goodies on the line.
So, what exactly could I win by showing up and winning this competition?
Those who survive the challenge will be entered into a drawing for a $300 prize.
They’ll also receive two 2019 Gold Season passes, a Fright Fest prize package, two VIP Haunted House passes, and a ticket for two to ride the “freak Train” for Freak Unleashed.
The winner can also take the coffin home to keep.
If there’s more than one person remaining after 30 hours, officials say there will be a random drawing for the $300.
All remaining coffin dwellers will receive the Season Passes and Fright Fest package.
So, let me get this straight – I’m going to sit in a coffin….for 30 hours….and for that, I might get $300 and some free passes? Come on, Six Flags. Do better. That would be like us saying, “if you can stand on your head without passing out for two days, you get a free muffin!” Okay, that’s dramatic, but I’m just trying to make funnies here.
But, you get to keep the coffin! That could actually save your family quite a bit of money once you’re dead. You’d just have to find a place to put it. Imagine keeping a damn coffin in your storage shed for (hopefully) 60 years. When you die, be sure whoever is giving your eulogy thanks Six Flags for the coffin.
What sucks is that you might pull this off and still not get the $300 because a bunch of other people did it, too. I mean, I realize this is little more than a marketing gimmick for Six Flags, because now, all of us websites are covering. They’ve got us all talking and that’s the objective, but still…
If I’m sitting in a coffin for 30 hours, y’all better be putting me on a different kind of freak train….you know what I mean. Give me some singles and a couple wet wipes and put me on it. You know what I mean…you know…
I’ve taken this to a dark place, so I’m going to go ahead and get out while I can.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Subscribe to our Patreon. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube.
