A KFC gravy candle? You kiddin’ me? Is this a dream or have my dreams come true?
It’s a fact of life: all of us want our homes to smell like KFC gravy at all times. But what we want and what’s possible are two different things. Sure, you could buy several buckets of gravy a day and leave them at strategic locations around your home, but that would get expensive and messy. Having a home that permanently smells like rich, meaty goodness is but a dream for all but the ultra rich.
Until now. That’s because KFC has created the world’s very first gravy-scented candle.
I can appreciate this institution of journalism for presenting the facts as they are. Literally 100% of the population wants a house that smells like KFC gravy. And, for good reason – have you ever enjoyed KFC gravy? It is, perhaps, the best gravy on the face of the planet. Fun fact about me: I wanted to go to business school when I was a teenager. My big business idea? A bathhouse, but instead of pools of water, you’d bathe in tubs of KFC gravy.
It didn’t work out because of licensing and copyright issues, but we all know that it would’ve been the most successful business in Gladeville (suck it, Ziggy’s Pizza). Instead, I had to settle for a psychology degree and buying 18 gallons of KFC gravy to pour over my nude body in the backyard because my roommates wouldn’t let me use the tub.
Now, your first question on hearing about this was probably, “Is anyone supposed to enjoy this, or is it just meant to be ironic?” And the answer is…probably both. The candles will only be available in the United Kingdom, and that’s because the fried chicken chain is becoming more and more popular over there. Getting KFC gravy for Christmas dinner has even become a tradition across the pond.
Unfortunately for you savory candle-aficionados, only 230 are available, and you have to enter a contest to win one, which you can do here.
You butt-lickin’ snake-oil-pushin’ sonsabitches. I was really getting pumped up for this news, and then you motherfuckers just pull the rug right out from under me. I can’t even go down to the local Food Lion and buy this candle. I have to SWIM to the fucking UNITED KINGDOM. Even then, I’m not guaranteed a candle. What you’re telling me is that basically the only way to get one of these candles is to swim across the ocean, find someone who has one of these candles, and then murder that person and take their candle. But, not only is that impractical, it’s also a tad bit unethical. That’s just me using my big journalism brain.
I’m sorry – I just can’t do good journalism about this. This is an outrage and I am having a VERY hard time controlling my emotions right now. I hate to say it, but this one feels like more of a ‘blog’ than an ‘article.’ And, here at SoBros Network, we pride ourselves in our ARTICLES! But, got damn it I’m just so ANGRY right now.
I’m going to Shaboom’s!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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