Alas, we are indeed here to talk about The Great Alabama Crab Leg Buffet Brawl of 2019, as I have coined the term. It’s a rather grim tale of the potential consequences of eating at a buffet in Alabama. And, it’s also an interesting study of psychology, seeing what can drive a human being to fight another with a service tong.
Alabama police say a dispute over crab legs at a dinner buffet ended in a brawl that left two people facing misdemeanor charges.
Huntsville police officer Gerald Johnson says he was eating at the Meteor Buffet restaurant when a fight broke out.
Johnson tells WHNT-TV that diners were using service tongs like fencing swords and plates were shattering, and a woman was beating a man. Johnson says diners had been waiting in line for crab legs for more than 10 minutes, and they lost their tempers once the food came out.
Roll Tide!
10 minutes! 10 whole minutes? Are you kidding me?!?! The madness of it all! When promised crab legs, you shouldn’t have to wait 10 seconds past the establishment opening. It should be like Black Friday – you have the goods ready, so when you open the door, it’s like a damn free for all stampede. You just get the fuck out of the way and let natural selection take its course.
But, the one thing you don’t do is make these people wait. That’s just a combustible situation right there. Because of the (assumed) unpreparedness of the establishment, people had to wait in line. What an antiquated concept! Waiting in line….PPPFFFFTTT. That thought alone has angered me, and now I too am in search of a service tong to use as a fencing sword.
And, look what you’ve done – just imagine that scene for a second. A rowdy Huntsville crowd using tongs like swords…but, they specify ‘fencing swords.’ So, it makes me wonder….were they just swinging for the fences? Or, did they have the proper form and structure of an actual fencing match? Because that’s immediately way more bizarre than just swinging on each other. Semantics, AP, semantics – that’s important.
Plates were shattering? Why? Was it because people were shattering them over each other’s heads? Or, were they just shattering on their own ’cause ghosts?
A woman was beating a man? Was this even related to the crab legs? How was she beating him? So many questions.
This sounds like pure chaos, though – straight out of Anchorman..
I think the biggest lesson we’ve learned here is that The AP could be a little more descriptive in their journalism….and don’t make people wait for crab legs.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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