We’ve got something really unique on deck today, folks. Every year, I try to look back at an old WrestleMania and re-book it. But, this year, “The General” John Mosley reached out to me and said, “hey what if we booked the first WrestleMania over, but like….if it happened today?” I loved that idea, so Mose sent me a few of his matches. I added to ’em, and here we are.
The first WrestleMania took place on March 31, 1985, LIVE from Madison Square Garden in New York City. But, for the purposes of this article, we’re going to pretend WrestleMania 35 is the first WrestleMania, and folks – we’re going for all of the hokey shenanigans from that show.
WrestleMania I (2019)
Main Event: John Cena and Conor McGregor vs. Daniel Bryan and Rowan: In the lead up to Mania (on a very successful Raw ratings wise) Daniel Bryan with Rowan interrupted Conor McGregor’s promo on Proper Twelve whiskey. The Massachusetts boy comes out to even the odds leading us to this blockbuster main event. -Mose
Flag Match: Rusev vs. Mr. America – Let’s face it. The WWE Universe is NOT ready for Hulk Hogan to be back in the WWE. But, at the same time, you cannot have the first WrestleMania without a match based around fervent patriotism. Therefore, it’s time to call Mr. America! Quick aside: if Terry Bollea’s penis is 10 inches, but Hogan’s isn’t, then how big is Mr. America’s? -Stoney
$10 Million Body Slam Challenge-Braun Strowman vs. Big Show: There is one briefcase at ringside with the money inside guarded by Jimmy Hart baby. -Mose
Random Pitbull performance: Got to cool the crowd down before we get to the big matches. -Stoney
Sasha Banks (with Lady Gaga) vs. Natalya (with Beth Phoenix): Much like Conor this lead up comes down to an episode of Smackdown that Gaga and Bradley Cooper were featured on. While Sasha is talking to Gaga, we see Natty stroll by and say some really negative shit about “Shallow” which we all take offense to. Sasha and Gaga form “The Rock ’n’ Boss Connection” to get even on WrestleMania night! -Mose
Todd Chrisley and The Miz vs. A.J. Styles and Al Roker – We just keep churning out tag matches, but shit – can you blame us when you have talent like this to work with? Also, I have no idea how we get to this match, but it doesn’t matter. It’s WrestleMania. It’s that celebrity factor. Class not ass, motherfuckers! -Stoney
Intercontinental Championship: Kevin Owens (c) vs. Sami Zayn: As KO talks about his recent title victory he says don’t expect to see him at Mania because there isn’t a challenger to be had. All of a sudden the arena fills with ska or is it SKA? Zayn is seen skanking his way to the ring. Doesn’t take long for this one to become official. -Mose
Samoa Joe vs. Curt Hawkins: It wouldn’t be the first WrestleMania if we didn’t have one of the all time great jobbers getting squashed in 20 seconds. -Stoney
WWE Tag Team Championship: Evolution (Batista and Randy Orton) vs. New Day (Kofi and Big E): The New Day is being hailed as the most dominant faction/team in WWE history. Just as the fellas are about to take in their moment the opening riff hit. Could it be? My god it is?!?! “EVOLUTION IS A MYSTERY” is heard and Batista along with button up shirt Randy take the stage. Business picks up right away before Shane comes out to make sure cooler heads prevail and make the match official. -Mose
Finally, Lance Bass sings ‘America the Beautiful.’ -Stoney
MORE WRESTLEMANIA COVERAGE
I’m All For A Big Batista Match At WrestleMania 35
Matches I Do and Don’t Want to See at WrestleMania 35
People Were Mad About Charlotte Being Added to ‘Mania Main Event
Re-grading WrestleMania 21
The SoBros Fantasy Wrestlemania Challenge Is BACK For 2019!
The Top 35 WrestleMania Matches In History
Who Should Get The NXT Call-Ups After Wrestlemania 35?
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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