In our never ending quest to provide all of our readers with relatable, ‘slice of life’ style content, we here at the SoBros Network feel the time to weigh in on social commentary has officially come. It’s once again time for me, Big Natural, to open up the leather-bound parchment pages of the annals of history. Put on your plush robe, light your pipe, start a fire, and get ready for deep contemplation. This is the as-often-as-I-remember-to-write-it column: Forgotten Treasures of Americana. Today, we will be looking back upon that one Marilyn Manson rumor….you know the one…
Oh, you don’t know? Well, I’m not talking about the rumor that he was one of the kids from The Wonder Years grown up. That one was wild, and come to think about it, there was a myriad of insane urban legends about Manson. But, no – I’m talking about the rumor that Manson surgically removed one of his ribs so that he could literally suck his own dick.
Was that too jarring? Should I have eased into that for those who haven’t heard that rumor yet?
My bad.
You can Google ‘Marilyn Manson rumor’ and it’s the first thing that pops up if you want to do some further research, but look it up! It was a thing back in the day, man. The stuff of legend at Gladeville Elementary here in Tennessee. The stuff of legend all over the country apparently. I thought it was one of those things that only my school talked about! But, then I grew up and realized it was pretty widespread.
Where did it start?
I don’t know – I’m asking. If you think I’m going to do the research, then you obviously don’t know this website. I am literally wondering and hoping someone can tell me how this started.
Back when I was 10 years old, Manson was terrifying. I believed he was some mythical creature. Every rumor that surfaced about him, I thought was entirely true. I can remember people calling him the Antichrist back then!
But, I’m not here to talk about that rumor today. No, let’s talk about this procedure.
Would it actually work?
I mean, it seems scientifically impossible, right? How is removing a single rib going to make it easier to curl up? You gonna just lean to the left or right and try to get that dick from the side? I don’t know – it just seems like a lot of trouble to go through. I’m not saying it’s not worth at least trying, I just think it’s probably one of those things that isn’t as simple as we’re making it out to be.
You might be thinking, “would insurance cover this? Should I talk to HR about it?” I think I would advise against this. It’s more or less just a pipe dream….even in 2019. Plus, it feels like your employer might make note of this somewhere. Then, if you ever want to run for President one day, they’ll have ammo against you. You’ll forever be known as the President who tried to remove a rib to suck his own dick.
That type of thing wouldn’t apply to Marilyn Manson because he’s fuckin’ Marilyn Manson, y’know?! He becomes President, NO ONE bats an eye about that rumor. But, if it’s your everyday Joe like you and me, they’re going to think twice about putting us in office. That’s just how it goes.
I’m a fool for ever believing this. Even if I was just a child.
Anyway, thank you for tuning in to Forgotten Treasures of Americana today. I thought this was something from our country’s history that we needed to remember.
FORGOTTEN TREASURES OF AMERICANA ARCHIVES
3D Doritos
3OH!3
AIM
American Gladiators
The Bermuda Triangle
Braided Belts
Hasbro WWF Action Figures
Homework
Mama’s Family
Playing Outside
The Super Soaker 50
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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