Orange Cassidy, best known as the inventor of orange juice if I’m not mistaken, took WrestleMania week by storm. He was everywhere, wrestling everyone from Jonathan Gresham to Taka Michinoku. He is the current reigning and defending IndependentWrestling.TV Champion, after defeating the esteemed “Hot Sauce” Tracy Williams at the end of 2018. An awful lot of fans have written Cassidy off as “a comedy act.” But, I, in my heightened sense of awareness that comes with being a journalist, see him for the truly dangerous assassin that he is. In a word, it’s because of his elite mastering of strategery.
Yes….”Freshly Squeezed” is one of the greatest wrestling strategists of all time. No doubt he has read The Art of War at least a dozen times. Most experts read it 10 times, but his skills clearly demonstrate the 12+ readings of The Art of War mark.
I’ve spent the last….roughly….10 minutes studying Cassidy’s game, and I think I’ve pinpointed exactly where he excels compared to other wrestlers today.
First, he sets the tone with his entrance music. It gives him a distinct advantage over his opponent before the match even starts…before he even steps out from behind the curtain, for that matter. You listen to “Jane” and try and get anything done the rest of the day. It’s so catchy and groovy, that it clouds his opponent’s judgment before the bell even rings.
Then, it’s the crowd involvement. You may think the shtick is designed to make people laugh, but you are dead ass wrong. Getting the crowd involved early is a basic strategy of all sports. Every competitor wants that home field advantage, and Cassidy knows exactly which buttons to push to get the crowd on his side. Everyone loves orange juice. Everyone loves backpacks. OF COURSE that’s an easy way to win the crowd over. Now, not only do you have a distracted opponent, but you have one who is intimidated by a hostile environment.
Of course, there’s also the sunglasses. Again, people love sunglasses and will pop whenever they are present. Remember how over the Big Boss Man was as a babyface in 1998? Sunglasses. Anyway, they also serve a more practical purpose. Wrestling under bright lights has its drawbacks – one of which is being blinded. Well, Cassidy never has to worry about a loss of vision because his sunglasses dull the magnitude of the bright light.
These are all ancillary components of Cassidy’s wrestling genius that lead to a distracted opponent. To be honest, I’m surprised that wrestling federations haven’t wisened up to this and started banning sunglasses, entrance music, and a crowd of spectators from their events altogether. That would make for a much more level playing field when Cassidy comes to town.
But, once he’s deeply embedded in your mind, his wrestling prowess takes over.
Namely, it’s his striking ability. Again, people think his infamous chops are a comedy routine, but it’s anything but. His chops usher in a dull pain that drives the mind insane. It’s like water drop torture – y’all heard of that? Where they lay you down and put a consistent drop of water on your forehead? Well, Cassidy has applied that in a wrestling ring. You take a few of those chops and you are certifiably insane. It’s actually an ancient form of martial arts if my sources are correct.
Keeping his hands in his pocket is also a key defensive strategy that preserves his body throughout the duration of a match. Think about all the damage that can be done to your hand. If you fall on it, it’s broken. If someone steps on it, it hurts, and maybe it’s broken, too, whatever. Or, you could try to grab someone and break a finger. So many things can go awry that it makes perfect sense for this self-preservation tactic to work.
The bottom line is that Orange Cassidy is a walking talking Venus fly trap. All of his opponents should beware. His game is, in essence, based on lulling opponents into a false sense of security. He’s so dangerous that, in my journalistic and scientific opinion, it’s only a matter of time before he shoot murders someone in the ring.
And, the thing is….he’s so good at entertaining people, they will probably cheer for it.
Thank you for tuning into my scouting report on Orange Cassidy. The NFL Draft is LIVE next Thursday from Nashville, Tennessee. We will keep you posted on which team selects “Freshly Squeezed” and how he fits with their roster.
Image credit: DJ ACCIDENT REPORT tweeted it.
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Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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