That headline, man – WTF. Real talk – I’ve been meaning to write about this cassowary for a month now. But, shit happens – maybe I can be more transparent with you guys in the future, but for the time being, that’s all I can say. SHIT HAPPENS, and I’ve been a fucking emotional wreck. But, now I’m back, and we have important news from a month ago to talk about.
Courtesy of the New York Times:
Mr. Hajos fell between two cassowary pens on April 12 and was attacked through the fence by at least one of the birds, said Jeff Taylor, the deputy chief of Alachua County Fire Rescue.
Dude had a whole family of cassowaries, too. They’re not necessarily known for being violent, but can get aggressive if provoked. Hot damn – why would you want one of these things, though? I mean, what function does it serve? It’s a big ol’ bird (they can grow to 6-6.5 feet tall)! Are cassowary eggs delicious? Do they help keep away snakes? Can a cassowary perform magic tricks for your dinner guests?
It just seems like the risk of being murdered would outweigh all of that.
After doing some heavy research as any good journalist would, I’ve concluded that multiple sources actually say this is the most dangerous bird in the world. It’s officially the Ken Shamrock of birds. Not to be judgmental or anything, but it’s ugly as sin, too.
So, doing literally minimum research shows that this thing is probably not safe to own. Why on Earth would you go to an auction and be like, “I HAVE to have one” like it’s some pirate treasure or something? You couldn’t pay me to take one of those things. These damn weird ass rich people, y’all.
What’s worse is this story mentions that these things will strike if they have an opportunity to. Not necessarily because they need to, but just ’cause they can. That’s what they think happened to Mr. Hajos! They think he fell and the fuckin’ birds were like, “okay, well this is our chance!”
Fuck the cassowary. What a coward piece of shit way to kill your owner. Someone has to trial-by-combat this sonofabitch. Put me in the cage with it. I won’t take a weapon. I’ll grow out my finger nails really long and be completely nude to even the playing field. I don’t need an advantage to go Frank Castle on some birds.
I’m sorry this post got so violent – I definitely lost my temper here today. Coward birds do that to me.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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*Image courtesy of Luca Ambrosi on Unsplash.
