We had fun a few weeks back with Haley naming as many wrestlers as she could in two minutes. So much fun in fact that I asked her if she would put a show together for all of us to enjoy. She had no real guidelines as any and all talent across every promotion was in the pool. What she came up with literally left me in awe. So today I share with you Haley’s first wrestling card.
HAM presents “Babette Ate Oatmeal”
1. The Rock ’N’ Roll Express vs. The Smoking Budz: No bullshit, this was the first match she wanted. I would have never in a million years pegged her as the one to book this hotness but here we are. In a landmark tag match that sees Destroyers from Cody AND Ricky Morton, the Smoking Budz pick up a historic win in an absolute barn-burner.
2. Mr. Brickster vs. Cabana Man Dan: After months of teases, Mr. Brickster hits the ring in full out Romance attire. That’s right, y’all – it’s Heel Brick and he’s out here lambasting Dan’s love of flip flops. After some very choice words, Dan unloads with a couple of flip flop chops that will forever get the people going. The two go back and forth until it appears Romance Brick is going to hit The Edge of Yikes….out of nowhere, Dan with a reversal and boom – a vicious Surf’s Up. CMD chants engulf the venue.
3. Marko Stunt vs. AJ Gray [I Quit Match]: Whoa nelly what a bloodbath this was. As Marko makes his entrance, he holds his fanny pack up then proceeds to pour out the tacks he had filled it with. The two fight all over the damn place with Marko eventually forcing AJ to say I Quit just before he was gonna bring down a fan of light tubes wrapped in barbed wire that was also on fire.
4. Marty Scurll vs. Mance Warner: I had no words for Haley when she threw this out at me. Then, I realized we would get the battle of Marty’s finger-breaking with Mance’s eye poke godness. After battling, Marty finally breaks all of Mance’s fingers, which gives The Villain a false sense of security. Because out of nowhere comes a lariat that takes the Englishman completely out of his boots. Ol Mancer celebrates by wearing one of those beer helmet things since his hands are all jacked up.
5. Curt Stallion vs. Manders: No bullshit – I would marry Haley again for putting this one together. So many headbutts followed up by more crazy bullshit by way of Stallion. Manders takes everything Curt has to throw at him, then gives it right back. Just as Manders is about to slam Curt through the ring we hear Stallion yell “DO IT YOU PUSSY.” Manders does and gets a primetime win.
6. Violence is Forever with Brett Ison vs. O’Shay Edwards/Joshua Bishop/Logan Stunt [No DQ]: This one gets out of hand fast with Ku and Logan climbing on top of the building to fight. Dom/Bishop and Brett/Shay are letting the hands go on one another while we just hear bedlam going on out on the roof.
Bishop chucks Dom off, then brings him to the center of the ring where he plans to stick skewers in The Bone Collector’s ear again. Not this time as Dom reverses out and sinks in a nasty arm bar. Just as Bishop is about to submit we hear a crash as Ku gives Logan a lung blower through the ceiling.
They crash down onto Dom/Bishop leaving just Brett and Shay upright. While all of that was going on, Brett/Shay were just laying into one another with punches, forearms and headbutts. As the other four men make it to their feet, we’ve got an all out war on our hands. After just chucking chairs at one another, we see Bishop eat a flying knee from Dom with barbed wire wrapped around his entire leg. Just as Shay is bending to pick Brett up, Ku flies from the top rope and hits a steel chair assisted senton on The Big Bad Kaiju.
With everyone else down, Logan and Brett square off. The One Kick Man does all he can, but after being put through hell already, there just isn’t enough in the tank. Brett hits a vicious Iron Elbow followed up with Street Justice on a chair slid over by Ku.
Shout out to Haley for putting together a legit ‘Dream Card’ and for always having fun with my reindeer games.
John Mosley is the independent wrestling and TV aficionado of the SoBros Network. He graduated from ETSU with a degree in Radio, TV and Film along with a minor in Film Studies. Since graduating he’s done pretty much nothing but watch, film, edit or commentate for local wrestling promotions and is the current color commentator for Resolute Wrestling. #Preds #Titans #DefendOrVacateConor Follow on Twitter: @SoBroMose.
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