Human evolution is one of my favorite topics of discussion. I don’t know if y’all knew that about me or not, but it’s true. I’m always thinking about ways humans can evolve. Namely, I wish we would finally grow wings so we’d all be able to fly. Or, telepathy would be cool, as would the ability to shoot fireworks from our fingertips.
That’s my stuff. Science, if you will. I don’t like to brag about how intelligent my brain is, so I won’t do it. But, it’s hard to talk about how much science I’m into without sounding smart, so it’s inevitable and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Anyway, looks like we’re finally starting to make a breakthrough in human evolution and it sucks total ass.
Describing the phenomenon dubbed “text neck,” Shahar told BBC.com that as we look down at devices like smartphones and tablets, our necks must work to keep our heads in place. Prolonged straining could lead the body to build new bone to increase the surface area holding up this mass.
What a crazy deal. Lookin’ at our phones so much that we’re starting to grow bones. If this was a mutant’s power, that mutant would be the shittiest member of the X-Men ever.
Professor X: “What’s your mutant power, Neckspike?”
Neckspike: “I just have a spike on the back of my neck.”
Professor X: “WTF are we going to use that for? GTFO.”
Professor X is way too nice to actually say that to Neckspike, but we all know he’s probably thinking it.
Man, as far as evolution goes, this sucks. I’m never going to be able to do anything cool in my lifetime. I’ve been trying to evolve for 33 years now, and you’re telling me THIS is the breakthrough?
A stalactite.
Let’s call it what it is. It’s like a stalactite growing in a cave. It does nothing. It doesn’t even look cool. I mean, yeah – maybe we see a major revitalization of the porn industry if…you know what? Nevermind.
This just sucks all around. This isn’t the human evolution talk I’m here for.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Subscribe to our Patreon. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube.
Image courtesy of Johannes Plenio on Unsplash!
