Oh man is this movie ridiculous and purely outrageous. Piranha 3D is a mess and I still found it entertaining somehow. This is one of those situations in which you just can’t turn away no matter how gross or chaotic things get. I was more than halfway prepared for what I was about to see and I suggest the same thing to all of you. If you are looking for a terrifying, intelligent horror film—this is not it. Not even close.
Lets go through the story real quick. Lake Victoria is a hot spot for people to go on Spring Break. The sheriff of Lake Victoria is Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue) and she has a lot to handle even before the piranhas get there. Her older son, Jake (Steven R. McQueen), is responsible for looking after his little brother and sister while she is gone laying down the law. But Jake meets Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell) who owns Wild Wild Girls ( I think we know who they are poking fun at here).
He wants Jake to be his location scout which means get on a boat with him and some sexy women and show them a place where he can film a porn. And Jake’s sweetheart can’t help but get on the boat as well. So the story splits between Julie trying to get people out of the water to keep them from getting chewed up in to tiny pieces while her kids and the porn crew are trying to keep safe and not let the piranhas on their fancy boat. These two storylines eventually run together and it is all about survival.
Don’t worry – the piranhas have a back story too. There was an earthquake underwater that let out these prehistoric (aka the “original”) piranhas that lived over two million years ago. And we know this because the great Christopher Lloyd tells us. The real movie is about the destruction caused by these piranhas. They eat all the flesh and fill up the lake with barrels of blood. That is what they do. That is what they like.
Piranha 3D makes you sit on the edge of your seat but it is not for the appropriate reasons. There is no suspense in this but you just cannot wait to see what they will throw at you next. And with the use of 3D, they throw a lot of stuff at you including body parts. Like private parts to be exact.
Director Alexandre Aja (High Tension, The Hills Have Eyes) knows what this movie must accomplish. He knows this movie cannot be taken seriously and there is no way he did either. I think he knew what kind of movie he was making. The movie is raunchy, cheesy, and Aja knows it. This was not an accident. But he could have done a better job when it comes to a story or at least kick it up a notch when you tell it.
Almost every scene is to show massacre and that’s it. Not to further the story or make more sense of what is going on. And forget character depth. You are just asking for too much now. The ending is no surprise and it is actually in the previews. Nothing gets resolved and the characters are just wasting their time. Maybe the audience is too.
For those that see this movie, I hope you have prepared yourself for one hell of a ride. There is nothing else out there like it and that is a blessing and a curse. Aja and all of the actors (Shue really tries to keep this movie grounded) went all out and there was no going back. As flawed and stupid as Piranha 3D is, it is still a blast to watch for some sick reason. Who doesn’t want to see blood, gore, skeleton legs, boobs, and more boobs underwater?
“Nature Boy” Brandon Vick is a member of The Music City Film Critics’ Association, the resident film critic of theSoBros Network, and the star of Brandon’s Box Office In Your Mouth. Follow him on Twitter @SirBrandonV and be sure to search #VicksFlicks for all of his latest movie reviews.
Check out the SoBros Shop. Subscribe to our Patreon. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube.
