I’ve always really looked forward to the day I get to wear dentures. Just a personal goal of mine that I wrote down on my bucket list as soon as I knew what a bucket list was after watching 2007’s hit film The Bucket List.
Just something about ’em always felt so cool. It was a fucking status symbol – you haven’t made it in life until you have dentures. That’s my golden rule. Plus, I used to really like to hear the sounds they’d make clankin’ around in that tub of whatever liquid (might have been paint thinner) that was by my grandpa’s sink when I was a kid.
As a child, I used to think, “man, how freeing must that be?” You just go to bed and leave your fucking teeth in the bathroom. Don’t have to worry about biting your tongue in your sleep or your chattering teeth waking up the misses. NONE of those problems exist to the elitist man with dentures.
Unfortunately, I’m going to have to be the bearer of bad news today, though. I’ve found a story that has really made me pump the brakes
Courtesy of The Brunswick News:
A medical journal is reporting the case of a 72-year-old British man whose partial dentures apparently got stuck in his throat during surgery and weren’t discovered for eight days.
Chills.
Ya hate to see it. This has really put a damper on my eagerness to wear dentures.
I mean, I’m in terrible health. I’m honestly surprised I’ve made it this long without having to have any major surgeries. The odds that I live my entire life without one are pretty long – and now, reading this story has made me want dentures just a little bit less.
This dude went eight days coughing up blood because his dentures were lodged at the top of his throat. Can you imagine?!?! I freak out if I get a peanut stuck to the back of my throat. I get the hiccups, and I force myself to puke until they’re gone. Like, how would you function? I mean, props to this man for being so tough he kept his teeth in his throat for over a week. But, that just doesn’t sound like the kinda life I’m trying to live.
I think the safest way to approach a situation like this is just to immediately tell every single person you meet that you’re wearing dentures. It has to be the first thing you say to everyone. That way, if any of them ever perform surgery on your mouth, you’ve already got it scouted.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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