Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. My lawyers say I shouldn’t claim to be an expert on anything)!
What a dud. I guess that means it’s officially Dud Week here on Tank the 401k. I’m holding onto a bottle of whiskey – thinkin’ about butt chuggin’ that sumbitch and jumpin’ off the pedestrian bridge downtown. That’s an inside joke that’s been running for two years now on Tank the 401k. Please, no one call the cops – I assure I’m fine.
Look – every genius knows that the only way you can dig yourself out of a hole is to keep digging. Otherwise, the Earth ain’t gonna move on its own accord, ya know what I’m saying? So, that’s what we have to do every once in a while here on Tank the 401k – KEEP. DAMN. DIGGING.
BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS
NCAAF: Auburn -3 @ Florida – I guess I kinda have to stick to my guns here, huh? But, all kidding aside, I truly believe the Tigers are the best team in the country right now. Florida has only had two competitive games this season, and those were against middling-at-best Kentucky and Miami. Otherwise, they’ve played a bunch of trash ass. Meanwhile, the Tigers are battle-tested. They’re going to run the ball and knock the Gators out of CFP contention.
NCAAF: Iowa @ Michigan, OVER 47 – The thing that scares ya about this one is how the Wolverines played against an elite defense in Wisconsin, sure, and NEWSFLASH PAL: the Hawkeyes are allowing just 8.5 points per game. But, I think that figure’s a little skewed by Iowa allowing just 17 points from MTSU, Rutgers, and Miami (OH) COMBINED. The fact is that both of these teams move the ball pretty effectively on offense, and are averaging about 33 points per game each. This one could be a little more fun than expected.
NFL: Carolina -3.5 vs. Jacksonville – Tryin’ reaaaaaaal hard not to bite so hard on the Panthers right now, but I just love the way they’re playing offense right now. “Let’s just give the ball to Christian McCaffrey 100 times a game and see what happens.” Spoiler alert: McCaffrey’s a bona fide MVP candidate. That shit’s working. The Texans didn’t have an answer for the NFL’s leading rusher. I don’t believe the Jags will either.
NFL: New Orleans -3.5 vs. Tampa Bay – The Saints are 2-0 at home. The Bucs are 2-0 on the road. Something’s gotta give here! I would caution people to not overreact to the Bucs big win against the Rams last week, though. This is still an inconsistent team, and while I love the way that Bucs offense is scoring, I think this one could be a surprise defensive battle. The Saints just have that home cookin’ though. I like ’em to cover against the Bucs.
NFL: Buffalo @ Tennessee, UNDER 38.5 – Life’s too short to bet the under – I know, I know….BUT, hear me out. These are two of the best five defenses in the NFL. The Bills are trotting out Matt Barkley at quarterback. The Titans have been up and down on offense all season. The under here seems like a no-brainer to me.
W-L Record: (2-2)
Last Week: (1-4)
On the Season: (11-9-0) – 55%
Check out my full SEC/NFL game picks here (I’m 72-30 (71%) so far on the season in picks straight up):
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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