A Complete Psycho’s Guide to Beating a Chest Cough

Not-a-medical-expert-at-all, "Big Natural" Stoney Keeley, provides his tips on how you can beat a severe chest cough if you are a complete and total psycho.

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I had what was easily the worst chest cough of my entire life last week. I hate being sick. My ego is so out of control that I hate being humbled like that. So, I’ll be damned if I get so sick that I have to call out of a day job that I can already do from the couch and DON’T get any #content out of it. I’m going to share with you guys how I stubbornly beat this cough that would ordinarily last approximately 16 days in just four days. The timeline for this story is last Wednesday through Saturday.

A Complete Psycho’s Guide to Beating a Chest Cough

Two rules you HAVE to meet before you can begin beating your chest cough:

  1. You HAVE to be able to take some time off of work, or work from home if you have the luxury.
  2. You HAVE to be willing to listen to your body and have an indomitable will over your opponent (the chest cough).

If you fail to meet both of these requirements, you might as well stop reading now and go to the doctor. This is all natural, baby – which you can actually read as, “I am a complete and utter madman and there is no way in fucking hell you should be taking this as medical advice.

Step One – Look Into the Future

I’m not going to judge anyone. It’s 2019, and I have an open mind. If you can sense that you’re getting sick, and you are clairvoyant, please make sure you look ahead at the shelves in your local pharmacy. As you can see in the featured image to this article, this chest cough’s going around. If I didn’t have the wherewithal to stock up when I first went to the grocery store on Wednesday, I might’ve been shit out of luck. By ‘shit out of luck,’ I mean I would’ve had to shell out four more dollars for the name brand shit, but you get my point. That’s like four whole McDoubles. There’s value in $4, people.

So, this is absolutely critical. If you have the ability to look into the future, you should absolutely do so in order to know how much cough medicine to go buy.

Step Two – Cancel Plans and Do Not Leave the House for Three Whole Days

You can forget sleeping. You might lie down at 4PM, but as long as your chest is full of mucus, you won’t sleep for more than four or five hours at a time. You have to commit to this one, too. Your husband is stranded on the side of the road? Better call AAA. Your water just broke? Tough shit, literal baby.

You have to commit to this one, or nothing else will fall into place. By going outside, you are simply exposing yourself to opportunity to make things worse. That is, I believe, Einstein’s Theory of Insanity, straight from the pages of National Geographic.

Step Three – Get Warm

I fucking hate socks. I am automatically pissed off if I have to wear shoes at all…ever. But, I made a truce with my mortal enemy (socks, in case I wasn’t clear). We would temporarily join forces to battle this chest cough, and afterwards, I would stop cussing at them forever. They were instrumental in my defeat of this cough.

Extra measure was taken by wrapping myself in three different blankets. I had thought about putting my hands in the toaster oven, but given the lack of online testimonials from people who have put their hands in toaster ovens, I thought the potential results were a little too uncertain.

Step Four – Cough If You Gotta Cough…

This is the most important rule of mine. This is the whole ‘listen to your body’ thing. If you feel the urge to cough, you. fucking. cough. Understood? That’s the mistake most people make – fighting the urge to cough…trying to prevent the cough…but the cough is really the cure, folks. Coughing is how you get that mucus out of your chest.

So, you want to loosen up that mucus, and then HACK THAT SHIT UP. And, believe me – I did whatever I had to do to make sure that mucus got up. If it hit the back of my throat, it was not going back down. Sure, I was making some awful noises. Probably sounded like feral hogs eating people. I’m surprised no one in my apartment complex called animal control because of the noises I was making trying to make sure I was getting up mucus. I’m not too proud to admit I jammed my finger down my throat a couple of times, too.

In situations like this, you do what you have to do to win.

Step Four – No cheese/dairy

Cheese and dairy – thick/sticky foods that have similar properties to mucus in general – actually make things worse. Avoid ’em.

Step Five – Shower Frequently

The hot steam helps to break up the mucus and you’ll hack up more shit with ease.

Step Six – Fluids out the ass

Well, that was worded poorly. I mean, if you drink enough, you might have fluids…y’know what? Never mind.

This is my second most important rule. You can do everything else well, but this is the trick that will pummel your opponent into submission. You have to drink so much fluid that the mucus in your throat is under a constant deluge.

I’m actually serious about this. I took count, and over the course of three days, I went through:

  • 42 bottles of water
  • 6 cans of La Croix
  • 3 2-liters of seltzer water
  • 8 cans of San Pellegrino
  • 28 bags of tea.

I’ve never pissed so much in my life. My girlfriend and I went to Kroger yesterday, when I had this cough on its heels, were there for 45 minutes, and I had to go pee three times. It was awesome. I could feel the mucus retreating, its will broken, begging for me to stop drinking so damn much fluid.

I could also feel some soreness in my kidneys and bladder. There was also a scare because I know it is possible to drink too much water – but, I didn’t remember that fact until I had already consumed about half of that list above. I’ve always been a bit of a dangerous man, though, so I’m happy to put my body on the line for a big time team win. This time, the team is also my body so I’m not sure quite how that works – sounds a lot like the Grandfather Paradox to me.

So, that’s it. That’s how I was able to beat a chest cough in three days.

There is also the option to just go to the doctor when your symptoms reach ‘severe’ status like a normal human being. But, there’s no glory in having someone help you win a battle. That’s why I elected to relentlessly punish this cough on my own.

That, and because I wanted to save the money in my HSA.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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