Velocipastor, Movie Review

Brittany Fernandez offers up her full review of Brendan Steere's lovable cult film, The Velocipastor, now available on Amazon Prime.

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I know many of you will be spending A LOT more time at home in the next coming weeks. During this time, it reminds me of exactly how much media we have at our fingertips. Some of it is good and a huge portion of it is just horrendous. Velocipastor lands somewhere in the middle, but in the best way possible.

After his parents’ untimely death, a young priest named Doug Jones (wonderful nod to the creature actor) travels to China on a quest to reconnect with his faith. In the forest, he meets a woman who has just been killed, and she gifts him a dinosaur claw. Doug ends up back in America and starts killing folks when he shockingly starts turning into a dinosaur.

He meets a prostitute named Carol and she shows him that he can do some good in the town fighting the bad guys. The bad guys are ninjas and pimps. Alyssa Kempinski plays Carol and she is pretty incredible in this movie. Even with the cheeky bad acting driving Velocispastor, I’m impressed with her. Doug and Carol fall in love and the rest is prehistoric history.

The climax of Velocipastor is so important because it’s when we finally see Doug turn into the full on dinosaur to fight the ninjas. And boy, is it bad in all the right ways. I don’t want to spoil it for you because I need you to watch this movie.

In a 2019 interview, Brendan Steere, writer and director of Velocipastor, told Forbes that the title of the movie came from an auto-correct on his iPhone. The auto-correct then spiraled into an idea for a trailer, and then the final 75-minute film.

Like hundreds of low budget films before this one, Velocipastor’s greatest quality is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Or at all, really. But Steere created something tangible and refreshing for people like me who enjoy a good B movie. I’m not sure if there was a moment when I wasn’t laughing and reveling in the over-the-top absurdity of it all. However, in the midst of the absurdity, there is a kick-ass punk soundtrack and interesting cinematography. I’m a fan of Steere’s work and I can’t wait to see what story he gets to tell next.

Lastly, I know the world feels like the “fire drill” cold open of The Office right now. But, instead of watching reruns of the same shows during this down time, give something else a go. Try stepping out of your comfort zone and escape reality for 75 minutes. Velocipastor is streaming on Amazon Prime.

Brittany Fernandez is a Lifestyle Writer for SoBros Network as well as one half of the Haunted Home Video team. She’s a Nashville native covering events on the local scene, B-movie horror reviews, and everything in between. Her go to karaoke song is “No Diggity.” Follow on Twitter: @brittbutspooky

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