That’s right, folks. I have tallied all of the votes….both of them…and it is unanimous: the hot dog has been named the quintessential summer food by the SoBros Network. I cast my vote right away, and as for the other voter, I’m counting my future mother-in-law’s dog, who jumped up and snatched a hot dog right off the damn table at our 4th of July cookout. I mean, he could’ve grabbed a hamburger, but he specifically went for the hot dog so COUNT IT.
Anyway, you might be asking yourself, “fucking WHY, Stoney?” Well, that’s why I have this job in which I write out my thoughts on a website. They’re called articles, and it’s what I do as a journalist. I explain things that I have opinions on. Get with the program. I’m going to use this power to explain to you exactly why the hot dog is the quintessential summer food.
Why The Hot Is The Quintessential Summer Food
First, it’s better prepared on the grill and summer is also the usual grill season. Hot dogs just don’t hit the same way in the winter months unless you’re chopping them up and putting them in chili. Plus, the smell of a grill is undoubtedly one of the four pillars of a good and happy summer.
Second, it is cheaper than a hamburger, so you have more money to buy beer. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you can feed an entire army of elephants for…like…five bucks…if you’re feeding them hot dogs.
Third, it’s served on a bun. That might not sound cool as shit to some of y’all, but trust me – it’s cool as shit when you’ve been pounding beers all afternoon and you need some carbs to soak up that shit.
Fourth, it’s light. If you eat a full meal of burgers and fries, you’re going to feel like a big steaming pile of shit out at a baseball game in the summer heat. But, with the hot dog, you get all the experience of summer without the bloated ass feelings.
Fifth, you can deep throat a hot dog and be a hit at the barbecue. Either people will think it’s hilarious and you’ll be recognized as a comedic genius, or, you just might find you some dick to take home. It’s really a win-win situation, so get out there and deep throat those hot dogs!
Sixth, anything you can eat at a picnic table automatically qualifies as a summer food and the hot dog is definitely something you can eat at a picnic table.
Seventh, Joey Chestnut doesn’t choose to consume 70 of anything else on the 4th of July, so if it’s good enough for Joey Chestnut, it’s good enough for me.
Eighth, a hot dog is a blank canvas. You can paint anything you want on it – ketchup, mustard, relish, kraut, jalapenos, chili, cheese. Anything. What other food gives you that level of creativity? Eating a hot dog isn’t just sustenance – it is expression.
What other food are you going to eat that is as enjoyable, creative, and erotic as the hot dog? Hands down, this is an easy vote for me!
Thank you for your participation in this piece of live action critical journalism today. Happy Summer!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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Image courtesy of Jay Wennington on Unsplash!
