Halloween is right around the corner and that can only mean one thing – time to put on your slutty Joe Exotic costume and binge drink your way onto Hell’s doorstep. So, in honor of the Devil’s birthday (that’s what Halloween is, right?), Big Natural here presents the 10 scariest wrestlers in WWE history. LFG
Honorable mentions
First off, I’m including WWE, WCW, and ECW because Vince McMahon owns them all. Technically, doesn’t that mean they all fall under the WWE umbrella?
Can Kevin Thorn get a double whammy for being a vampire AND Mordecai? The ECW Zombie has to be mentioned honorably here, too…and I’m going to add The Sultan to this list…not because he had an awful, horror-based gimmick, but because I was really scared of him as a child, and I have no recollection as to why.
Then, there’s Nailz. What is scarier than an actual convict who is on the loose wrestling in the then-WWF? What does it say about our nation’s law enforcement at the time that they couldn’t catch this guy? I mean the company’s schedule wasn’t exactly a secret. They knew where he was going to be.
Thankfully, the Big Boss Man took matters into his own hands. Meanwhile, Nailz was physically threatening Vince McMahon backstage. He wasn’t necessarily scary for the character – but he was scary because he was legitimately insane.
10. The Yeti
Oh no! It’s THE YETI! The mythical abominable snowman of the great white North! Except….it’s a mummy? What? I’m all for supernatural themed wrestling gimmicks. The Undertaker is awesome. The Yeti is….not.
Throw in the fact that he dry-humped Hulk Hogan in his debut, and this character was a disaster from the start.
9. Vampiro
Vampiro was like that weird metalhead that resides in every trailer park. Sure, he looked like a KISS/Insane Clown Posse-infused voodoo zombie, but it was more of his willingness to do just about anything to his own body for the sake of the show that made him scary.
I bet he smelled like cigarettes, too.
8. Evil Doink
For the journalistic integrity of this article, I have to mention Evil Doink here. For some, clowns in general are a nightmare. But an evil clown? That’s the devil. Evil Doink was not only a grade A douche, but he was downright creepy. I’m fairly positive American Horror Story is basing a season on him, though my sources cannot confirm.
7. Gangrel
What’s scarier than a real life vampire? One with an incredibly cool sense of style. That’s like, “yeah – sure, this guy can rip apart my throat on a whim, but he also looks like an outright gangster.” Enter Gangrel.
The Brood was awesome – one of the most underrated relics from the Attitude Era, and really, what’s not to love about a group of guys running around dumping massive amounts of blood on people during live wrestling matches?
In Gangrel’s case, once you’ve reached the pinnacle of drinking blood out of a goblet on television, you leave wrestling to make pornography. Yep – Google it. So, that outright haunting aggression paired with an undertone of perversion? S-P-O-O-K-Y.
6. The Boogeyman
It’s hard to be afraid of the Boogeyman when you remember he lied about his age to get on Tough Enough season 1. Yeah, he was a “normal” dude back then, and cried and stuff when they sent him home. His idea of revenge? Eat a bunch of worms and saw his front teeth off. That’s terrifying. If I had encountered the Boogeyman as a child, I would’ve hidden behind my parents.
He did have a sweet action figure though.
5. Kane
Remember when Kane debuted alongside Paul Bearer? He was the materialization of our night terrors. He destroyed people at will and appeared to be the only superstar who could rival the Undertaker’s supernatural “powers.”
And he latched jumper cables onto Shane McMahon’s testicles. And tombstoned Linda McMahon. And beat up old Pete Rose numerous times. And set a camera man on fire.
You get my point.
4. The Dungeon of Doom
The Dungeon of Doom could’ve gone one of two ways: enchanting, supernatural beings bent on the destruction of Hulkamania, or middle-aged, out-of-their-prime, out-of-shape wrestlers used to feed Hulkamania. I think….I think we all know which direction that went.
As a child, these guys were like super villains from the pages of Batman. Even though a face-painted Brutus Beefcake – excuse me, The Zodiac – ran around exhibiting the mind of a slobbering Beagle, I was petrified that this group, led by the most evil man of all time, Kevin Sullivan, would actually rid the world of the immortal Hulk Hogan.
And then, hey – that’s Kamala running around, too.
Did anyone ever figure out why King Curtis always seemed to be covered in white paint, though?
3. Undertaker
Bobby Heenan once warned us to hide our wallets because The Undertaker was coming out….that’s because whenever the “dead man” made his entrance, the lights in the arena would go out.
At which point, a young Stoney would hide under his blankets until the lights came back on and I could see The Undertaker’s exact whereabouts.
The idea that The Undertaker was actually dead chilled me to the bone as a youngster. When I grew up, and looked back on this, I realized why children seem so stupid to adults (that’s common, right?). Anyway, The Undertaker is an icon in pro wrestling, and part of that is the result of the aura around his character.
2. Papa Shango
When I was a child, I thought this man had honest voodoo powers, and I thought his reign of terror would wreak havoc on all of the World Wrestling Federation.
Did he ever even have a reign of terror?
I don’t know – but he enthralled audiences by making mysterious goop trickle from the flowing locks of the Ultimate Warrior. More infamously, he cast some sort of curse upon the Warrior that made him vomit his guts out on live television.
A food poisoning curse? Man – this voodoo stuff is really all-encompassing.
Eventually, Papa Shango was bought out by the “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase, turned into a hardened street fighter named Kama, joined the Nation of Domination, and then found his way as the street pimp everyone affectionately knew as The Godfather.
I wonder if The Godfather dresses up as Papa Shango for Halloween?
1. New Jack
If you don’t get why New Jack is the scariest wrestler to ever live, then you must have never seen New Jack.
There simply is no more terrifying force in wrestling history than New Jack. That dude will straight up gut you in the middle of a match. He will jump off of anything. He will hit you with anything. And, he legitimately does not give a single fuck whether you live or die.
This is some real life gangster shit right here. Keep me the fuck away from New Jack forever.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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