Patreon: Would You Live Forever If It Meant Being a Vampire?

Stoney Keeley is BACK - asking the important questions on the SoBros Network Patreon.

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I don’t know, guys – maybe it’s all the Spooky Season content I’ve been working on and all the movies I’ve been watching lately. It’s just that time of year, y’know? Weird shit happening. Weird shit going on in your brain. I’m also really fucking tired, so it could just be that. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been mulling over this idea for the last couple of weeks ever since I re-watched the first Underworld movie.

I kind of feel more like immortality might be my speed. I have my moments, but by and large, I kinda like life here on Earth. I’m generally a happy guy. But, I’m also ambitious. Those closest to me might say I have ambition to a detriment. There’s just a lot of shit on this planet that I want to learn, I want to do, and I want to see. I’d love to travel the world. I’d love to live long enough to see us make it to Mars and set up a colony there. Self-driving cars. The mystery of the Bermuda Triangle solved. I could go on and on. My point is that my life feels rich and I don’t know that I’m the type of person to ever really get tired of things…”things,” in general, I mean. I get physically tired, but I’m never tired of living. I don’t know if I want to give that up. 

So, maybe becoming a vampire is the answer for people like me. I mean, I’ve seen Twilight. I think I could acclimate well to being a vampire. I’d keep making my work and over the course of the next thousand years, I’d probably accrue tremendous wealth, and I’d be able to do all the things I want to do. But, I feel like this is the perfect situation for a ‘pros vs. cons’ list. Like, this is specifically the type of thing the ‘pros vs. cons’ list was made for. You have to think about it – the pros being infinite time to get out there and do yo thang. But, what’s the worst thing about being a vampire? 

You can’t go out in the sun – man, I hate to hear that. I do enjoy the day. I like a good sunrise, a good sunset, and I enjoy the way the sunlight bounces around the treetops from the top of the hill at Arrington Vineyard. One question I’d have is whether or not it’s only direct sunlight that fries vampires. Like, if I look at a picture of something that happened during the day, am I going to cook? If not, I’ll just spend some time looking at nice high-quality photographs and make due. 

I would have to start drinking blood, and I do hate bodily fluids, so that would definitely be an obstacle that I would have to bring my lunch pail to work and put on my steel-toed boots to get over. But, I’m willing. 

The whole ‘eternal war with werewolves’ thing – I don’t know. I’m a fan of peace, so maybe that could be my calling as a vampire. I could be the dude to come along and smooth things over with the werewolves so that we could all live in peace. I’m just spit ballin’ here. 

The only real hang-up I’m having is that I wouldn’t be able to cook with garlic. Drinking the blood of innocent people I’ve murdered in order to survive, avoiding sunlight, and fighting werewolves….that stuff’s fine….but fuck with my garlic? That’s borderline deal-breaker. I don’t know. I’d have to really think about this one, but I will try.

All in all, I like my odds. I think I’ll do it – so if any vampires end up reading this, holler at your boy. I’m trying to make dick jokes on the internet for all of eternity. 

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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