Did you guys grow up with some crazy motherfuckers? ‘Cause I damn sure did. Sometimes, I look back at my adolescent years and wonder, “how the hell did I not end up addicted to meth?” The older I get, and the more I see, the more I look back and think it’s a miracle that I’m not in rehab right now. I had friends that were into everything – shrooms, acid, cocaine…the whole catalog of hard drugs. And, we were apart of that generation that was inspired by Johnny Knoxville, Steve O, and the entire Jackass phenomenon. We were constantly doing dumb shit to get a laugh. But, for the purposes of today’s edition of ‘Story Time’ on the SoBros Patreon, I’m going to focus on a couple of friends that went beyond ‘young and dumb’ and did some disgusting shit that Brandon and I will still bring up from time to time today.
These guys were brothers – and they were just completely reckless individuals. It always amazed me how far these guys would go just to get a laugh. I can recall one time when the younger brother pulled his dick out in the middle of our driveway in broad daylight. We were getting ready to leave, when he walked up to the driver’s side window and said, “I think you forgot this,” and pulled his pants down. I’ll admit – we had a good laugh. But, it was super awkward the next day when my mom, who saw the whole thing from the living room window asked, “why did [REDACTED] pull his pants down in the driveway yesterday?”
He also backyard wrestled with us. I remember in 2003, it was our biggest show of the year, and he was booked for a ladder match. He told his opponent before they walked out, “I just want you to beat the living shit out of me for 15 straight minutes and then win.” It was amazing – I’ve never seen anything like it. Kid was taking unprotected chair shots, he was thrown off the top of the ladder onto the straight ground three different times. He was busted open the hard way. It was so fucking dangerous and stupid.
But, the worst was probably the things he’d eat and drink if we dared him to – he drank his own piss, he cummed on a potato chip and then ate it, and I also saw him sprinkle his own pubes against the back of his throat. Why? I have no idea. We would literally just dare these dudes to do the most vile shit, and they would do it without question. Fuck – maybe I’m guilty of creating this monster.
His brother, as I mentioned before, was just as wild. He also had an affinity for unprotected chair shots. Maybe – y’know I’m noticing a thread here – all the unprotected chair shots had something to do with this. One time, he had to take a dump during one of our backyard wrestling shows. Instead of going to the bathroom like a normal functioning human, he decided he was going to take a shit in the bushes in the background of the match that was going on.
But, my favorite memory of this guy is the time Brandon told him he would be a pussy if he didn’t set his hair on fire, and I’ll be damned if the dude didn’t set his hair on fire right then and there. I can still smell it.
I don’t know what was in his hair – I mean, he was never accused of being the most hygienic person – but when he pressed his lighter to his bangs, it lit up like the 4th of July. Just a cloud of flames erupting. We fucking panicked. “[REDACTED]’s fuckin’ hair is on fire! What do we do? What do we do?” Dude ran outside and dumped his head under the hose. Half of his hair had burned to wiry little bristles sticking out of his skull. He had to shave his head and start over – thankfully, he was uninjured in the process. But, what a moment in time for adolescent Stoney. My parents never figured out what happened – they asked what was burning, and I told them I had burnt the popcorn, and they believed it.
But, we all have that one friend, right? RIGHT?!?!
Needless to say, my mother was quite relieved when I fell out of touch with said friends because they got into hard drugs, and I believe one of ’em even did jail time for selling drugs. From what I understand, they’ve actually cleaned themselves up and are healthy functioning individuals at this point – which has to be considered one of the greatest upsets of all time.
If you guys have some wild friend stories, I’d love to hear ’em. Hit the comments.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Check out the SoBros Shop. Become a Patron. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Watch on YouTube.
