In case you haven’t heard, the 2021 Olympics are already a shit show. Covid is runnin’ wild like that muhfucka never left. At first, they were going to allow fans to watch, then they said only a limited crowd was permissible, then that turned into NO CROWDS at all. I can’t keep up, and honestly, I’m just here for the table tennis anyway. Until they make disc golf an official summer game, that is. Hey – there’s an article idea…let me jot that down. Okay, I’m back.
Anyway, as the folks that run the Olympics are starting to seem desperate to control this COVID-19 outbreak, the latest measure of control has come out and folks, it is hy-STER-ical. They have made some whack ass cardboard beds to keep the athletes from having sex.
Courtesy of The New York Post:
The world’s best sports competitors are set to spend their nights on cardboard beds — allegedly designed to collapse under the weight of fornicators to discourage sex amid COVID-19.
Olympic officials — who already warned 2021 Games participants to avoid two-person push-ups because of the coronavirus — have set up 18,000 of the cardboard beds in the notoriously sex-crazed athletes’ village, according to Dezeen magazine.
What is this? The circus? Am I the only one that finds the idea of a cardboard bed hysterical? I mean, imagine you’re just lying in bed and the thing collapses out of nowhere. Sure, it’s specifically designed for a certain weight capacity, but I am 280 pounds, so I’m sure my big ass would take one out all on my own. Especially if I was yankin’ the ol’ dangle-down. But, in all seriousness, if you think this cardboard bed is going to stop the world’s most premiere athletes from finding ways to get NYYYASTY, you’ve got another thing coming. This is a clear indicator that whoever instituted this rule has never had sex. What was the expected outcome? That the athletes would be afraid of collapsing this cardboard bed and would just say, “welp – guess there’s no tummy-touchin’ tonight, Michael.” Yes, that’s Michael Phelps in that fictional scenario. He’s the only Olympic athlete I know.
Real talk, though – there are some wild ass stories about some marathon sex being had and some legendary gang bangs taking place in the athlete’s village. And, it makes perfect sense. You get a ton of people who are in incredible shape, lookin’ good, and are under the intense pressure of representing their country on the world’s stage….OF COURSE they’re going to be looking to blow off some steam at the end of the day. I can appreciate the efforts to contain this virus, Olympics, but you’re fighting a losing battle here. Just let everyone get covid and level the playing field. That might be the only option here.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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