Tank the 401k Gambling Picks: 9/23/21

Stan's 5-0 week carried the team - what can he do for an encore? The gang's gambling picks are out!

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Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into our weekly American football betting column here on the SoBros Network, Tank the 401k. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. Our lawyers say we shouldn’t claim to be experts on anything because we’re not)! Each week, the SoBros team up to offer their five locks of the week – obviously, we’re not professionals here so take this advice with a grain of salt and don’t sue us if you piss all of your money away. That’s not our fault. Okay, I think we’re all set here – here are this week’s SoBros gambling picks.

Stan’s Picks

Two biggest regrets in life – Not kissing the most popular girl who was a year older than me when I was in middle school, and not parlaying my 5 picks last week as we went 5-0! Only one thing left to do… RUN IT BACK!

Panthers/Texans OVER 43. Points on a Thursday night. Love it.
NY Giants -3. I do not love this pick, but think after a heartbreaking loss they take the long week to regroup and get it done at home.
UVA – 4. Undefeated wake, getting points, makes me think it is a TRAP. Nothing better than a Friday night delight.
LSU – 2.5 – “a;slfjqwlkefvjqwefqwe;fkzoiuasdfpu. geaux tigers” –Coach O
Clemson Under 47.5 – this line is so so so so low it makes me think it goes under because it’s science.

Good luck everyone.

Steven’s Picks

I’m not going to waste anyone’s time by writing a few sentences about why I picked each game. I don’t deserve to write any thought-provoking sentences after starting the season 4-8-3. Take my five picks for what they’re worth and I apologize to the fan bases of the teams I picked in advance for their upcoming loss.

Cardinals -7.5
Raiders -3.5
Memphis -3
Iowa -23
Tulane -3.5

Stoney’s Picks

Ouch. I opened my big damn mouth and said I felt immaculately confident in last week’s picks. And, what happened? I went 1-4. One. and fucking. four. That’s a real kick in the dick. I don’t even feel much like picking games this week, to be honest. But, it’s like I always say – the only way to dig yourself out of a hole is to keep digging, amiright?! Also, FYI – I did hit a 25-leg parlay two weeks ago, and another parlay last week. I may be an idiot at picking games, but I do get some right every once in awhile.

LSU -2.5 @ MS State – I’m fully on board with Stan on this one. Quite simply, I don’t think the Bulldogs lost to Memphis as a fluke. I actually think the Bulldogs are bad. While I’m not as high on LSU in the bigger picture of the SEC West, I think they handle business convincingly in this one.
Kentucky -4.5 @ South Carolina – I’ve had a lot of luck with Kentucky so far this season, so I’m going back to the well. I still think they’re one of the three best teams in the SEC East.
Michigan State -4.5 vs. Nebraska – I know everyone’s all hyped up over that Oklahoma game, but I wonder if that effort in a losing contest will take the wind out of their sails a bit. Besides, the Spartans are steamrolling people with a Heisman-contending running back in Kenneth Walker III, so I, to put it eloquently, just like ’em.
Steelers -3 vs. Bengals – This one just comes down to the match-ups. I like the overwhelming Steelers defense against that struggling Bengals offensive line. I might even put a little dough on a D/ST score in this one.
Buccaneers -1.5 @ LA Rams – As much as I like the Rams in the long run (they were my Super Bowl pick before the season started), the Bucs are just too too hot on offense right now.

SEASON STATS

Stan last week: (5-0)
Stan’s 2021 W-L: (10-4-1) – 71.4%
Steven last week: (2-3)
Steven’s 2021 W-L: (4-8-3) – 33.3%
Stoney last week: (1-4)
Stoney’s 2021 W-L: (6-9) – 40%
SoBros last week: (8-7) – 53%
SoBros 2021 W-L: (20-21-4) – 48.7%

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley