The SoBros Mailbag #171: Theories, Theorems, Mountains, My Ass, and Dream Projects

It's lunch time on a Friday. The SoBros Mailbag is here.

Share This Post

Let’s face it – every day we are routinely bombarded with questions. When you’re an emerging media company in Nashville, people just want to know what your opinions are on everything. It’s only natural. And, since our duty is to serve the people, well, we have no choice but to be present. That’s the SoBro Way. Also, aren’t mailbags just a barrel of laughs anyway? Welcome to the newest weekly recurring feature up in this bitch: The SoBros Mailbag. As always, hit us with those mailbag questions @SoBrosNetwork on Twitter, email ’em to me anonymously at thesobrosnetwork@gmail.com. And, holy shit, I need to update this terrible intro paragraph that I’ve been using literally ever since I started writing this column…

Question:

Answer:

The “out there” part makes this one tricky – like, you and I talked about the JFK assassination after recording Monday’s episode of Phone It In. That one seems plausible, but it’s not really out there. So, let me go down a rabbit hole…off the top of my head, I’m going to say the theory that there is a large chunk of human history, from the early days of human civilization, that was just completely fabricated to benefit those in power. I can’t remember the name of it – maybe I’ll do some digging later on. But, I think about that theory, and I think about how impressionable people are and always have been, and yeah – it’s possible that people would fall for it. Plus, it feels like blasphemy to question the history books and specifically religious documents, so we just never really question it as a society, by and large. That’s an entirely different discussion to have, but I think it’s plausible for part of human history to be fabricated – that’s not one I hear about too often.

Question:

Answer:

Man, I have no idea what the female version of Stoney Keeley would even be like – completely different life experiences. It’s kinda wild to think about, but judging by how much of a pissy drama queen I can be as a privileged dude, I’d probably crack under all the pressure and inequality that society places on women. I think I’d probably hate men, and therefore, maybe female Stoney wouldn’t want to date me. But, this is probably a deeper conversation than we need to be having in the SoBros Mailbag on a Friday afternoon when the depressing realities of the world are supposed to subside for a couple of days. So, I’ll just say this – if female Stoney has male Stoney’s ass, I’ma be BBQing that baby up all day.

Question:

Answer:

This is going to be such a copout, but I’ll explain myself here – I’m going with the Smoky Mountains. I have a lot of travel anxiety. That’s been amplified big time by having a pet to look after now. But, even before we had Bucky, I always HATED going on week-long vacations, or longer. I would stress about every possible situation in the world that could go wrong back home while I was gone. The Smokies have always been a happy medium for me – I call Gatlinburg “my happy place” because it’s one of the few places (Chattanooga is another) that I can visit that both makes me feel far enough way from my problems to relax and close enough to home that I can get back within a few hours just in case of emergency. So, the Smokies are the easy choice for me.

Question:

Answer:

For those wondering what the fuck the pizza theorem is, let’s consult Wikipedia:

In elementary geometry, the pizza theorem states the equality of two areas that arise when one partitions a disk in a certain way.

Let p be an interior point of the disk, and let n be a multiple of 4 and greater than or equal to 8. Form n sectors of the disk with equal angles by choosing an arbitrary line through p, rotating the line n/2 − 1 times by an angle of 2π/n radians, and slicing the disk on each of the resulting n/2 lines. Number the sectors consecutively in a clockwise or anti-clockwise fashion. Then the pizza theorem states that:The sum of the areas of the odd-numbered sectors equals the sum of the areas of the even-numbered sectors (Upton 1968).

The pizza theorem is so called because it mimics a traditional pizza slicing technique. It shows that, if two people share a pizza sliced in this way by taking alternating slices, then they each get an equal amount of pizza.

Okay. For my answer, I’m going to keep it in the realm of food, but we’re going to shift from geometry to physics and talk about the Poppy-seed bagel theorem. I’m a big fan of bagels, and I love the idea of being able to perfectly construct a poppy seed bagel so that no matter where you bite into it, you’re going to get an equal amount of poppy seeds.

I also would like to point out that there is a different between a theorem and a theory. Therefore, many theories that I’m a fan of from my psychology and sociology background are disqualified from this question.

Question, from Olivia on Instagram:

Would you rather have forever: Cheeto fingers or popcorn kernel stuck in your throat?

Answer:

OOF – I can’t deal with the popcorn kernels even when I can wash them down. Give me Cheeto fingers forever. At least then I’ll always have a delightful snack at the ready.

Question, from E on Instagram:

You’ve been given editing duties for anthology so tell us your dream project (theme, authors dead or alive, book binding choices since I know you do that, etc.).

Answer:

So, dream project, huh? Let’s dive into this one, and we’re probably going to get a little too deep for a SoBros Mailbag on a Friday, but let’s do it.

The concept of ‘goodbyes’ has always been fascinating to me. I am of the opinion that our relationships with others and our connectedness to nature are all that truly matters in our time on this planet – so, please…take this opportunity to check in on a friend, and to go outside and listen to the wind blow through the trees, or admire the moon tonight. It’s the people in my life that get me through, that support me. Despite what some might think, we don’t have absolute control over our lives – we don’t know how much time we have. Our lives can change in the blink of an eye. I don’t believe we have absolute control over how much money we make or how comfortable we can make our lives. But, if we’re fortunate enough to have a supportive family and a strong network of friends, we can overcome a lot of that and still lead enjoyable lives. That’s why I try to make a positive impact, and be a genuine friend, to anyone that needs it, and is receptive to it (sidebar, but you can waste a lot of time and energy on someone by trying to be a friend when they aren’t reciprocating that). Ultimately, I want to be a positive force in the world before I go.

But, that context is what has made ‘goodbyes’ so interesting to me. We have a seemingly infinite number of possible timeline interactions, if you will, in this world. People come and go in our lives all the time. Some are special and stick around for a little bit. Others are fleeting. Very rarely, you encounter someone who sticks around for the long haul. So, when a goodbye comes into play, or is necessary – when you have to get out of a bad relationship, when your childhood best friend moves across the country, when your local watering hole closes down, when you lose a loved one, when you get a new job making more money…I could go on and on, but you get the point – it creates this massive emotional response, be it trauma or euphoria, that can’t be manufactured. A goodbye is like a crossroads between two timelines. You head west. I head east.

I’ve had a few traumatic goodbyes in my lifetime. I’ve had some euphoric ones too. So, if I was tasked with putting together an anthology on a theme of my choice, with an unlimited budget to use whatever story I wanted to, this is what I would explore – the toll that goodbyes exact on our lives, and the importance of leaning on our loved ones, and the simplicity of nature to either heal us, or celebrate with us.

I like variety, so I’m going to go with a mixture of fiction and essays – definitely grabbing some Walt Whitman…I’d love to even throw in some essays from Oliver Sacks….some Ray Bradbury (The Laurel and Hardy Love Affair is one of the best ‘goodbye’ short stories I’ve ever read)…gah, I never really stopped to think about this, but man…we’re talking dreams here, aren’t we?

And, yes – it would be leather bound, hand-dyed to look rugged and antique, with parchment paper. Hell, maybe I’d make ’em all myself…do a hundred or so, and turn this bitch into a collector’s item.

Fun fact on this topic: When I was growing up, we used to have a sign constructed over our driveway (I grew up on four acres in Gladeville). When you pulled in, it read “Stoney K. Ranch” – when you were leaving, you’d see the back of the sign, which read “happy trails, ’til we meet again.” It was just a well-wish to our guests…something I think my dad got from an old cowboy show or something. I don’t remember. But, I remember it being oddly profound to a young Stoney. I can remember thinking, “yeah, I guess we don’t know when that ‘again’ will be.” So, maybe this infatuation with goodbyes has always been within me. As you know, I’m working on compiling all of my short fiction and some of my essays into a collection – and I decided a little bit ago that I’d title it Until We Meet Again.

Keep the questions coming – catch y’all next week!

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

Check out the SoBros Shop. Become a Patron. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Watch on YouTube.

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Get updates and learn from the best

More To Explore