I don’t know what it is about national and public parks, but it seems like every time I visit one, I see some shit that has me losing my faith in humanity. Human beings just can’t respect their surroundings unless they’re being supervised – that seems like the ugly reality of life. If there’s not immediate accountability, they’re going to do some dumb shit. I don’t mean to advocate for Big Brother, but when I go to a park and see trash all over the ground that people refuse to pick up of their own volition, I just want to tell George Orwell, “this is how it happens and I’m okay with it.” Nonetheless, I read stories like the one we’re going to talk about today out of Idaho, and it makes me want to rip every hair on my body off. People are throwing legit boulders into the park’s toilet storage tank.
On Facebook, the U.S. Forest Service Caribou-Targhee National Forest posted that someone has been cutting locks and throwing large boulders into the toilet’s storage tank. “We are 100% boggled by why someone would want to watch boulders splash into poop-filled waters, but they do,” the agency said in the Facebook post.
What the FUCK? What an absolutely insane story. Who thinks this is fun? First of all, if I get anywhere near a giant vat of literal doo doo in the ground, I’m running the other way. Aside from being clumsy, and terribly afraid of falling into a pit of shit, I just have a quick gag reflex. I can’t do the bad fecal smells. That shit hits my nostrils, and you’re going to have a puddle of puke to clean up on top of everything else. Second of all, what’s the satisfaction in this? Is the sound of a boulder landing in poop so enticing and arousing that you have to destroy public property to get that feeling? I’m not going to lie – I bet it makes a sick sound. But, that’s beside the point. This whole thing just seems like destruction for the sake of destruction….unless it’s Bigfoot and he’s just out there in the woods fucking around because he can. If that’s the case, then it’s cool and Bigfoot can keep having his fun.
This reminds me of a story about Gatlinburg, though. Brandon, our SOs, and I ventured out to the Smoky Mountains the weekend before Thanksgiving last year. It was a lovely trip, but we wanted to enjoy a nice romantic sunset atop Clingman’s Dome. As golden hour was setting in, we made the trek up into the mountains in an effort to find the best possible spot to watch the sun drift beyond the mountains. It’s a haul, though – and we had had a few drinks. So, when we finally made it, your boys had to tinkle. We made it over to the only restrooms at the park. Brandon went in first, and I heard him groan. He did his business and came out, red in the face. It was either laughter or disgust – I can’t recall. He warned me about going in there, so I braced myself (remember that bit about a quick gag reflex?) and held my breath. My game plan was to hold my breath the entire time I was peeing, and then I was going to get the hell out of dodge.
When I stepped into the bathroom, I immediately saw what Brandon was talking about. It was everywhere. All over the toilet…the wall…the floor beside it…it was as if someone walked into that bathroom, pulled their pants down, turned and faced the toilet, and just let it rip…firing turds AT the toilet and the corner of the bathroom instead of into the toilet. Actually, it wasn’t even a toilet. There’s no plumbing on top of the mountain so it was literally just a hole in the ground with a pile of a hundred dumps inside it. It was the most disgusting thing I had seen since I don’t know when. I closed my eyes, held my breath, and pushed every ounce of urine out of my pecker that I could as fast as I could. By the time I made it to the door, I could feel my face turning red. When I got to fresh air, I let out a gasp as if I was on the verge of drowning. The lady waiting in line looked at me kinda funny, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her what she was in for in that room. Brandon and I couldn’t stop talking about the sight we had to behold, and our SOs finally told us to stop talking about it because we were about to head to dinner.
Why are we treating park bathrooms like pure shit? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but here we are – people, please don’t play with tanks of poop, and please don’t doo doo all over the place.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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