I was minding my own business in my living room, enjoying some Sunday Night Football between the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and New England Patriots well over a month ago, when a Taco Bell commercial came across my screen. Something about ‘the night before breakfast’ (kind of like The Night Before Christmas, in case you aren’t able to make that connection), and it was a dude sitting in some weird gaming chair bathed in neon lights. He fell asleep and started dreaming about some breakfast burritos or some shit – I don’t know…I was only half-paying attention…and the narrator came on and said, “the faster you go to sleep, the faster you’ll get one.” I was floored – my mind burst wide open. It was like that scene in Doctor Strange when The Ancient One exposes Dr. Strange to the multi-verse and he started growing fingers everywhere. That was me. I was Dr. Strange for a second.
I was immediately reminded of childhood, when my parents used to tell me that the quicker I went to sleep on Christmas Eve, the quicker I’d wake up and get to see what Santa Claus brought me. This is the same principle carrying over into my adult life, and now I think it’s a sign that I am being called to investigate this phenomenon. So, let’s try and examine this from a scientific standpoint.
The first thing you need in science is a question to answer, so I’ll just go ahead and ask it point blank: is sleep technically time travel? To my knowledge, it is the only way known to science that can expedite the process of minutes passing at a more rapid pace. You doze off at 10PM, and the next thing you know, it is 6AM. How else do you explain it? It’s like stepping through a portal from Point A to Point B, which, if you ask me, sounds EXACTLY like how people define time travel.
The problem is that this theory doesn’t account for traveling into the past. To my knowledge, I’ve never gone to sleep at 10PM, and then woken up earlier in that same day. It’s possible. Anything is possible (source: Kevin Garnett). But, this is the start of a great scientific theory – we have a hypothesis to test. And, sleep may be the starting point for how we discover time travel. We just need to get in the lab right away and figure out how to sleep backwards, and travel distances greater than eight hours into the future. Then, we’ll have it all figured out.
Does time travel require the literal expedition of our measurement of time? Or, can it simply be our perception of it? Like in any experiment, we have to carefully define our parameters if we want this thing to have integrity and survive the peer review process. If time is technically a human construct, why can’t time travel simply be based on how we perceive time? Boom – that’s it. Time travel is real, and we do it every fucking night. I will accept my Pulitzer and/or Oscar now.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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