If Jennifer Lopez wanted to release new music, she could’ve just dropped an album rather than linking it to Marry Me – an unoriginal, predictable, and inferior romantic comedy that could very well ruin your Valentine’s Day. Lopez plays a JLo-esque music megastar and fashionista named Kat Valdez who’s preparing to get married to her fiancé, another musical sensation, Bastion (Maluma). But they’re doing it big by singing their hit “Marry Me” and saying their I-dos in front of their millions and millions of fans. Then it’s happily ever after from there. Except right before it’s time to go on stage, Kat discovers Bastion is a cheating bastard who has been hooking up with her assistant. So the most rational thing to do is to pick a total stranger out of the crowd holding a “Marry Me” sign and make him your husband. Ridiculous, right? Oh, just you wait.
The lucky stranger picked out of obscurity and thrown into the world’s spotlight is Charlie Gilbert (Owen Wilson), a divorced single father and math teacher who didn’t even want to go to the wedding concert in the first place. He reluctantly decides to go as a favor to his buddy Parker (Sarah Silverman) and to prove to his daughter Lou (Chloe Coleman) he’s still a fun guy. Kat and her manager Collin (John Bradley) are thinking this whole new husband and wife stunt will be over in a matter of weeks once the Bastion affair ordeal dies down. Though, something real begins to formulate between Charlie and Kat as they get to know each other more and more while figuring out how to exist in each other’s lives, which are polar opposite of each other.
Cue every rom-com cliché we’ve ever seen. If you want something different, then you have to do something different. That’s the overall motto of Marry Me, yet director Kat Coiro (upcoming She-Hulk) and the writers don’t follow their own advice in the slightest. The storytelling is too foolish to ever become invested in if Kat and Charlie can truly be together. There’s also no spark between Wilson and Lopez. Separately, they’re as charming as all get-out, but somehow in joining forces for love – there’s nothing going on between them. When that occurs in a rom-com…well…what are we even doing here?! Also, did you know this is actually based off of a graphic novel? Hopefully, like in so many cases, it’s a better read than a movie.
Do yourself a favor and simply say no to Marry Me. Howbeit, I’m going to need some help in getting some of its songs out of my head.
Brandon Vick is a member of The Music City Film Critics’ Association, the resident film critic of the SoBros Network, and the star of The Vick’s Flicks Podcast. Follow him on Twitter @SirBrandonV and be sure to search #VicksFlicks for all of his latest movie reviews.
Check out the SoBros Shop. Become a Patron. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Watch on YouTube.