The 2022 edition of the NFL Draft has finally arrived and all of the excitement surrounds who will this team draft and what teams are going to trade up to get to get a player and what teams will trade down and collect draft picks for the future. All eyes will be on the Jacksonville Jaguars who own the rights to the first pick of the draft after going 3-14 last season.
The NFL has become must-see tv as much as anything on the small screen or in theaters. NFL players have often become as big of a celebrity as any Hollywood starlet which made me think of what a celebrity-filled football team would look like, so let me introduce you to the SoBros Network Celebrity Football Team.
1st Pick- QB, Josh Duhamel- Every professional sports team needs a face to be associated with it and in football the star of the franchise is usually the quarterback. The former Mr. Fergie has the looks to lead a football franchise and actually played some college football at Minot State University in North Dakota.
2nd Pick- DT, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson- Offense sells tickets but defense wins championships so it only makes sense to take The Rock as the captain of the defense. Johnson won a National Championship at Miami where he played behind NFL Hall of Famer Warren Sapp. His athletic resumé speaks for itself from his rise to one of the greatest professional wrestlers to ever to step foot in a ring to being arguably the greatest action film star of all time.
3rd Pick-WR, Michael B. Jordan- Jordan is the member of the team that can do anything. From his time as Apollo Creed’s son, he has proven he has the hands and quickness to grab a pass from anywhere and his time spent as Vince Howard on Friday Night Lights shows his ability to cut and get open with ease.
4th Pick- C, Rick Ross- The man who is always hustling played college football at Albany State University. Ross is accustomed to starting things, so who better than him to start each play?
5th Pick-DE, Terry Crews- Some may say he should be disqualified from the draft since he played in the league, but he and his bouncing pecs are more known for his parts in Brooklyn Nine-Nine, White Chicks, and Everybody Hates Chris than his time spent on the gridiron. So little was thought of Crews as an NFL star he was drafted in the 11th round of the 1991 draft…a round that no longer exists.
6th Pick- RB, Donald Faison- Faison is a dual threat on the field and a triple threat on the screen and stage. Faison starred alongside Denzel Washington in Remember the Titans where he played running back turned corner back Petey Jones showing off his versatility on the field.
7th Pick- FS, Dean Cain- Not only can Superman leap entire buildings in just one jump he can also close the coverage on a receiver in a flash, essentially shutting down any high powered offense. Cain went to high school with a who’s who of Hollywood elite including Charlie Sheen and Rob Lowe. It was the football field where his star really shined. Dean finished his college career at Princeton with 22 interceptions in only 30 games.
8th Pick- ILB, Ryan Hurst- Hurst played the real life Gerry Bertier in the 2000 film Remember the Titans. Bertier was a highly decorated linebacker before suffering a paralyzing injury due to a car crash in December of 1971. Hurst grew to play a paratrooper in Saving Private Ryan and the all-around BAMF Opie in Sons of Anarchy. The Walking Dead fans will remember Hurst as the extremely violent Beta. Just imagine that big scary son-of-a-bitch wearing a masked made out of human flesh lined up across from the running back just seething to take their head off.
9th Pick-TE, Jon Hamm- Hamm played the charismatic Don Draper for 8 years on Mad Men. The conniving, alcoholic was a big hit to fans and made Hamm a household name. Hamm excelled at various sports throughout high school including football. Hamm is seen more as a blocking tight end more than a pass catching one. Portraying Draper for that long leads one to believe that Hamm is more than happy to do whatever it takes to get the job done. One does not have to look hard to see how dirty Hamm can be. Just Google Jon Hamm University of Texas hazing incident and the opposing defense will think long and hard before engaging Hamm on the field.
10th Pick- MLB, Jason Statham- Statham is one of the toughest, baddest men in Hollywood and one I would definitely not fuck with. He grew up playing a different kind of football in England, but his talent would easily transfer to the American version of the game. He also excelled as swimmer and diver and even represented England in the 1990 Commonwealth Games. His roles as in Crank and the Transporter franchise shows that he is the perfect pick to be the ‘quarterback’ of the defense.
The rest of the draft plays out with a combination of celebrities that excelled in sports before making it big and those who became known for their roles in football movies. Teen Choice Award winner Taylor Kitsch who is best known for playing Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights will suit up at fullback. The eight-time Teen Choice Award winner Channing Tatum was a force on the football field during high school when he was not being distracted by the fairer sex. Tatum came to prominence through his work as a model and dancer in the Step Up and Magic Mike film series. Tatum’s quick feet makes him a perfect fit as a celebrity wide receiver.
Comedian Joel McHale was a collegiate rower at the University of Washington before joining the football team. As a Husky, McHale played tight end for two years despite appearing in zero games. That kind of resumé does not bode well for McHale to strive on the field but his sharp wit will catch some defenders off guard and allow the third wide receiver option to get open and extend drives.
The offensive line is completely in charge of protecting the quarterback and creating holes for the running back to bust through. Rick Ross centers the line and is flanked by Lost star Jorge Garcia and first-team All-Ivy League selection Tommy Lee Jones. LL Cool J and Star-Lord himself Chris Pratt round out the offensive line at right and left guard, respectively.
Remember that defense wins championships and this team is filled with massive star-power on the defensive front. Carl Weathers, who is best known for his role as Apollo Creed in the Rocky franchise, is arguably the most accomplished of any player on the SoBros Celebrity Football team. Weathers excelled at San Diego State and played for the Oakland Raiders of the NFL and the BC Lions of the Canadian Football League. His dominance at linebacker partnered with Married with Children star Ed O’Neill at outside linebacker is a pair that will keep all running backs heads on a swivel.
Terry Crews needs some help at the defensive end position and who better than Grammy, Tony, and Emmy award winner Hugh Jackman. Trust me – no offensive tackle wants to see Wolverine across from them. The cornerback position is all about speed. Former The All-New Mickey Mouse Club member Ryan Gosling got his film break in Remember the Titans playing Alan Bosley. Bosley was not the best player but Gosling’s good looks can freeze an opposing wide receiver. Gosling’s position mate is former track and field star and star of Orange is the New Black Uzo Aduba. The Boston University track star was a triple threat while in college. She could sing, act, and run anyone down and that’s the type of talent needed to make a quarterback think three times before throwing in her direction.
A two-time Academy Award winner rounds out the defense. Former St. Mary’s College of California basketball standout Mahershala Ali played in 97 games for the Gaels before making the transition to acting. The Moonlight star showed his quickness on the basketball court and his toughness in roles in Moonlight and Luke Cage makes Ali an excellent choice at strong safety.
In today’s football, not as much emphasis is put on special teams like in years past, but make no mistake about it, the SoBros Network general manager takes it very seriously. American Idol host Ryan Seacrest has made a career at kicking things over to people and his time as a high school football star translates to the celebrity side of the game. Seacrest will take on kicking duties as late-night talk show legend and former William & Mary soccer standout Jon Stewart will assume punting duties.
The need for speed and agility is apparent for whomever is given the position of kick returner. Trap rapper 2 Chainz was a high school basketball standout and was even recruited by the University of Memphis as a replacement to Penny Hardaway. His slim 6’5 frame makes him elusive to defenders and gives him the ability to see above the oncoming crowd of tacklers and break one free. Saturday Night Alum Jason Sudeikis has spent the last few years in England around a lot of talented soccer players and is bound to have learned a thing or two while portraying Ted Lasso. The celebrity basketball league star has the quickness and sharp wit to cause a few defenders to miss a tackle while returning punts.
Steven McCash is the Lead Music Writer and Utility Man for SoBros Network. Steven is the host of the ‘Drinking With…’ podcast, and the pioneer of New Music Friday, highlighting each week’s new releases in the world of music in addition to the occasional live show review. He also pitches in as a Nashville lifestyle writer and football analyst (hence the ‘Utility Man’ title). Follow on Twitter: @MC_Cash75
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