This might come as a shocking revelation to some of you, but I actually do NOT wear lip gloss. It’s just not something that was ever on my radar. My lips are always just naturally radiant and shiny. I wasn’t taught to wear lip gloss. The closest I ever came to wearing lip gloss as a child was being envious that all the girls in my classes had all those different flavored chapsticks. My dumb kid brain thought that that was lipstick and that if I put it on, my lips would turn bright red. I didn’t know how the world worked yet. Nonetheless, it would appear as though Applebee’s is at least attempting to lure in people like me and get us hooked on lip gloss.
Applebee’s getting spicy with new lip gloss in four chicken wing sauce-inspired flavors! Chicken wing lip gloss. It’s real and it’s here.
First of all, this campaign is a whole ass operation. They’ve released a music video. Someone wrote a song for this thing. They’ve actually produced this lip gloss. The flavors are Be My Honey Pepper, Get Me Hot Buffalo, Honey BBQ-T, and Sweet Chile Kiss. They are very clearly all in on the lip gloss game and this is definitely not just some marketing ploy to get websites like ours talking about Applebee’s.
I want to know if these things work both ways – like, can I just slather my wings in lip gloss too? Oh wait, there is a “do not eat” warning on this lip gloss. Well shit – maybe I’m just ignorant, but what is the purpose of lip gloss if not to eat it? Why even flavor it? Don’t tempt me! That seems evil – I bet millions of people are sickened every year because of lip gloss consumption.
Also, can we talk about how out of pocket Applebee’s is getting? Ever since Walker Hayes wrote that song, it’s like it has absolutely revived the fine dining chain. That’s right – “fine.” Fuck “casual.” They started sponsoring Sunday Night Football. They did the Flamin’ Hot wings. I don’t know when they hired a mad scientist to conduct their marketing, and I definitely have no idea where they’re getting the money to do all of this, but Applebee’s is out of control.
Anyway, in related news, it looks like I will now be wearing lip gloss. Slap “For Immediate Release” across that and make it my press release.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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