Patreon: Food That Deserves to Have Its Essence Captured in Candle Form

We are imploring the restaurant industry to start making more candles on the SoBros Patreon today.

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This week’s Patreon column comes to you as the brainchild of yours truly upon reading that the honey cinnamon butter from Texas Roadhouse was going to be bottled up and sold to the masses in wax form. That’s right – if you love the honey cinnamon butter from Texas Roadhouse, you can make any room in your house smell like it. 

That shit got me thinkin’ – I think the restaurant industry, as a whole, is missing a huge opportunity to make massive amounts of cash by not trademarking their fragrances and selling them as candles. I mean, maybe I’m the only 36-year-old dude on this planet who is obsessed with candles and how they can set the atmosphere better than just about any other retail product. No one else would probably buy them, but I can’t help but think there are millions of dollars just sitting there unclaimed. SMH – how can I, a degenerate sports writer in Nashville, have this big brain idea and no one at the top at like Burger King does? 

Anyway, I’ve put together a starter list of food items from famous restaurants that should look into having candles made. 

The grease from Krystal – Man, there’s something about it that is just unmistakable and iconic. Their onions just hit different, so let’s meld everything from a classic Krystal, grease and all, into wax form and have your guests’ mouths watering every time they come over. 

Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits – An icon of the culinary world, Red Lobster’s cheddar biscuits are known across the galaxy. That’s right – even aliens understand the savory goodness of these biscuits. I haven’t smelled too many “cheddar” candles in my day, but I’m sure it’ll be fine…

Olive Garden’s breadsticks – Warm and savory just like a cozy blanket on a cold winter’s day. Envelope your house in it. 

Taco Bell’s cinnamon twist – Maybe you don’t want savory like biscuits, breadsticks, and grease! Maybe you want something a little *ahem* twist of cinnamon in it. I can’t think of a better idea than a cinnamon twist candle. It may be the best of the bunch and I’m honestly surprised that the zany ass marketing team at Taco Bell hasn’t already thought of this.

Krispy Kreme donuts – Anyone knows that walking into a Krispy Kreme when the sign for hot and fresh donuts is on knows that that is an all time elite smell. 

Waffle House – Y’know…nothing in particular…just that indistinct “grease” smell kind of like the Krystal, but you also factor in the cigarette smoke from the cook who just had to run in and fire up the grill because you pulled up in the middle of the night, and you have to add a touch of beer breath from your buddies.

I asked my wife for some help with this question, and she just said McDonald’s “Filet O’Fish,” so we’re going to disqualify her from this conversation. Maybe you guys would be better help anyway – what’s one food item you think you’d like to have in candle form? 

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a ‘Dogs Playing Poker on Velvet’ connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole world of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.

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