I Hope I’m Long Gone Before Humans Turn Into Gremlins

I don't want no part in a future where humans look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

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The future is now, and what have you. We’re back, talking about the outlook of human existence decades into the future. If you don’t know by now, I absolutely love this kind of stuff, and we have an absolute doozy for you today. The folks at TollFreeForwarding.com (not linking because I’m getting a ‘not secure’ message on my end) have come up with a rendering of what a human will look like in a thousand years or so, and boy is it alarming. This thing has a veritable claw for a hand, a thick (not thicc) ass neck, and a hunchback that belongs in a Disney cartoon. It’s incredible and alarming, but those aren’t even the weirdest features.

Courtesy of The Science Times:

Other grotesque features that should be expected include a thicker skull but a smaller brain, and a second eyelid to protect the eyes from too much light exposure.

A second eyelid??? A second eyelid!!! Can you imagine? You know that meme where the guy says “I know for a fact me and my friends would’ve beaten E.T. with hammers?” That’s what this is – if I see that thing walking up to me, I’m calling an exorcist.

You really have to click the link and go look at these wild ass renderings or else the rest of this post won’t make much sense. At the very least, you won’t laugh at my signature nonsense. You might not anyway – I don’t know what your sense of humor is like, random stranger on the internet. Anyway, that’s a gremlin. If these folks are correct in their assessment of what humans will look like in 1,000 years, that’s a damn gremlin. It makes me a little nervous because I can already feel my grip changing a bit as I’ve become more dependent upon my iPhone to get through in life. Forget the year 3000 – this is happening in real time in my life. I also don’t have a neck. FUCK! I’m turning into one of these things as I type this article!!

Also, this reminds me of one of my favorite conspiracy theories out there. The idea is that what we perceive to be aliens are actually time traveling humans from thousands of years in the future. The little guys with big heads are thought to be the byproduct of technological advances and how they impact human evolution. Wild ass shit, I know.

Anyway, now the onus is on the adult film industry to come up with the first gremlin of the future porn parody. I know what you’re thinking and I swear this isn’t a request, even though I’ll probably watch.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.

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