I Have Been Internet Bullied Into Explaining My Love for Starbucks and Subway

There's only one fast food place in the world where you can EAT FRESH!

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I walk into Subway and I’m greeted with my sandwich order. That’s right. I’m there so often that they don’t even call me by name. They just call me “pizza sub” when I walk through the doors. Every now and then, I switch it up. I’ll get a BLT, a steak and cheese, roast beef, sweet onion chicken teriyaki, and yes…even the tuna. If you were to ask me, Subway is the spice of life, the home of variety, and it’s fast food that will not rip my intestines open from the inside out later. Recently, the boys came for me on Twitter because I said Subway and Starbucks were the two fast food places I’d keep while the rest gotta go.

I’m not trying to draw sympathy or anything, but the week since has been incredibly difficult on me. Again, I’m not patting myself on the back for this, but I do feel as though I am being very brave in how I am laying myself out here like this.

Allow me to explain myself. I have an unconditional love for Subway, and I’m a major fast foodie. It’s my comfort food – when I’m stressed out, I drive through Taco Bell and inhale five pounds of food. I eat at least two McRibs a week during November (R.I.P.). I have probably donated hundreds of dollars to whatever charity Panda Express is supporting when I drive through and they ask, “would you like to donate a dollar to _____?” But, folks, that isn’t sustainable.

Once my metabolism slowed down, I couldn’t eat that way anymore. It’s a treat every once in awhile, but gone are the days when I could walk into a McDonald’s and house five McDoubles in one sitting. And, this may come as a surprise, but most fast food is all the same – dog food quality meat, stale ingredients, all mushed together with condiments thrown on with a fucking caulking gun. I would never judge anyone and I am definitely not holier than thou, but you people are disgusting!

I’m sorry – that was an outburst because I’m feeling incredibly defensive right now. Anyway, if I’m going to eat quickly, I’m going to EAT FRESH. There is only one place you can do that. Guess…yes, it’s Subway.

And, as for Starbucks, well shit – I can’t function without coffee. It’s probably the one place on this list that I frequent every single weekend. Anyone that says they can make fresh Starbucks quality coffee at home is a liar, even if you’re using the Starbucks brand coffee. It’s just impossible.

So, I hope you all understand my perspective a little bit better and will stop bullying me on the internet.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.

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