I don’t know if it’s just mayor season or what, but I feel like everywhere I turn, I’m seeing someone new running for mayor of Nashville. I have to admit…I’m not very educated on the matter, so I don’t quite know how this works. But, I keep seeing all of these articles written by reputable sources in this town saying “so-and-so announces campaign to become mayor.” Honestly, it makes me a little envious. I’m jealous. I wish I had an article from The Tennessean that I could show my friends and family that said I was running for mayor. Maybe they’d be proud of me.
Anyway, it made me wonder…is that how all of this works? Can I just write an article and boom – I’m suddenly in the running to become the mayor of Nashville? It seems like there should probably be more to it than that, but I mean, if all of these people I’ve never heard of are running, surely that means that anyone can do it. Right?!?! If so, I think I’d like to throw my hat in the ring. Or my name in the hat. Or my cat in the ring. I can’t remember – I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Nashville.
As for my qualifications, I have experience in making decisions. I’ve been making them my whole life (36 years). I was also voted ‘Most Likely to Change the World’ by Wilson Central’s Class of 2004 (this part actually isn’t a joke – I really got that award). Here are the key issues I will run on to make Nashville a better place to live.
Stoney Keeley’s Platform as Mayor, Est. 2023 (Official)
1. Four-day work week – Work sucks. It’s stupid – there’s a bountiful world out there that we could be living off of in a manner that doesn’t spike stress and shorten our lives. We could be spending time with our loved ones. Instead, we have to get a job lining the pockets of greedy capitalist fucks who make decisions based off of what’s best for them instead of what’s best for the peoples off of whomsts backs the company was built in the first place. All of this because healthcare and basic human necessities are run by greedy corporate fucks who care more about profits than the health of our nation. Fuck that. We’re at least taking our Fridays back. Three day weekends every weekend when I’m mayor.
2. Tax-free diapers – Whew, that first one got a little intense. Let’s dial it back a bit – no taxes on diapers for anyone, babies or old people.
3. Rollercoasters and water slides downtown – Needs more reckless entertainment.
4. We’re putting Dolly Parton’s face on the five dollar bill – I don’t even know for sure that the Mayor of Nashville has this kind of power, but that is not going to stop me from promising it here.
5. Bars in every neighborhood – The coolest thing about New Jersey, which is where my wife is from, is that they have bars everywhere. Like, any old neighborhood probably has its own bar. I couldn’t believe it. I would love for that in Middle Tennessee. So, I will not approve the construction of any new neighborhood in town without a plan for a bar to accompany it.
6. Build the wall – whatever, I have to say something that will endear me to Tennesseans, right? Even if I don’t mean it. I’m here to win.
7. Re-open the O’Charley’s in Providence – I miss it. I miss it every day. I don’t know why it couldn’t work out here in Mount Juliet, or if I’ll even have jurisdiction in Mount Juliet as Mayor of Nashville, but I’m damn sure going to try.
8. Horse races on Broadway – Whatever. Fuck it. Let’s just lean into the excess. Maybe cockfighting will be next.
9. Upgrade the Pekka Rinne statue – I know they’re planning on building one outside of Bridgestone Arena, but as Mayor of Nashville, I will build one the size of the Statue of Liberty, and we’ll place it on the banks of the Cumberland to greet weary sailors as they arrive in our fair city.
10. Kesha Day – Kesha’s birthday will be recognized as a holiday.
Alright, I know I have some friends in politics in this town. Somebody help me announce my candidacy. Or, wait – did I just do that? I’m still confused on how this works.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.
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