Power Ranking French Fries

Stoney takes a stab at answering the age old question: what is the best type of french fry?

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Part of creating content on the internet is forcing yourself into every single debate and weighing in on every possible discussion that’s happening. I don’t make the rules, folks. I just abide by them. That’s why when I saw that we were having a conversation about which french fries are the best on Twitter, I knew I would have to apply my expertise as a consumer of french fries (probably eaten north of 100,000 in my days) and my skill as a writer to convey my beliefs to the internet. I decided to rank french fries as you’ll see below, and it all started with this simple question:

Power Ranking French Fries

1,000,320. Shoestring fries – why bother? What’s the point? Just make potato spaghetti, why don’t you?

6. Potato wedges – I like a good potato wedge every once in awhile, but man, they are easy to screw up. They have to be cooked in an exact manner – has to have a bit of a crisp to it without being too dry, but it also has to be cooked enough to avoid being mushy in the middle. They need some real seasoning too, or else you’re just eating a big chunk of bland ass potato. But, when they’re spot on, man, they hit just right.

5. Steak fries – Steak fries are the happy medium for those who like regular ass fries but want a little more girth in how they consume their potatoes. They are absolutely elite with some salt, pepper, and ketchup. They’re becoming harder to find these days, so if you find a steak fry specialist, please hold onto them dearly.

4. Regular ass fries – Listen, there’s a reason they’re a staple of American cuisine. Tried and true, time-tested, and reliable. You can’t go wrong with a regular carton of french fries.

3. Waffle fries – More potato. Interesting texture. Those random waffle fries that are like half potato skin. I love it. It’s a variety that checks all the boxes in one serving.

2. Crinkle cut fries – The crinkles get crispy while the inside stays fluffy. It’s unparalleled. I don’t know how to explain it, but the crinkle cut fry soaks up oil better than any other fry. That’s probably not good for us to consume, but I don’t care. I love oily crinkle cut fries.

1. Curly fries – What makes them curly? Why do we season them differently? Why are they crispier than regular fries? What sorcery is this? Questions that we literally have no answers for. I don’t know that for sure, but I don’t feel like looking it up. The curly fry is a modern marvel of culinary delight.

Also, if tater tots count, tater tots are far and away #1 and the rest of this list can go to hell. But, do they count? That’s a debate for another time.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.

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