I Never Got the Popcorn Trick or Why People Thought It Was so Funny

Society, as a whole, needs a talking-to for the popcorn trick ever becoming a thing.

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I’m sitting here with a bowl of popcorn in my lap. Yes, I’m eating an entire bag of popcorn by myself, and it’s not sad. It’s actually very happy. But, as the warmth of the bowl coddles my loin, I can’t help but be reminded of the fabled “popcorn trick.” You know the one I’m talking about. For years, this idea that you could simply fool your date into an impromptu handjob by cutting a hole in the bottom of a popcorn bucket, sliding your pecker through it, and when they reach for the popcorn, surprise! That’s a penis. Because, as many rational people think, encountering a penis in the wild and uncalled for is such a strong innate desire for most people, it’s a welcomed situation, and it obviously turns into some hanky panky right there in the theater. It’s so funny! Isn’t that funny, you guys?!?! What a pickle!

No – no, it’s not. It’s stupid. This is that part of the Tik Tok when the weird music comes on and we go negative filter. It’s stupid, and we’ll get to that. From all the blogs I’m reading about this phenomenon, the joke originated in the 1982 movie Diner. What are we doing here, guys?!?! Are you telling me that generations have kept this bit alive?!?! I don’t know – I shouldn’t say that. I’m 36 years old, three months away from 37. I have no idea what the teenagers are into these days. But, I’ll tell you that it at least ran for 20 years because the popcorn trick was all the rage when I was a teenager in 2002. Even back then, when I had a dumbass teenager brain, I couldn’t understand the concept of why this trick was supposedly so funny. I also struggled with the concept of why anyone ever thought The Three Stooges was funny either, though.

I’m a huge fan of surreal comedy…I find stuff that doesn’t make sense to be hilarious, but it can’t be so surreal that it makes the funny a negative value. You know what I mean? Like it can be 0 funny and it’s hilarious, but if it’s -1 funny, it just falls flat. The popcorn trick is a -1. It’s like the Gallagher of bits. The logistics are just way too impossible. In order to successfully pull this off, let’s just run through this. You’ve got to carry a sharp instrument into a theater – how else is the hole going to be cut? That thing isn’t going to just manifest itself. You have to buy the popcorn, butter it up, and some way somehow, you have to cut that hole in the bottom of the bucket with no one noticing. This may be the trickiest part of the whole thing. What are you going to do? Carry your popcorn into the bathroom? That’s going to get you on a list in its own right. But, let’s assume you’re MacGyver (jesus, do people even still get that reference?) and you can pull this off.

You then have to discreetly put your johnson in the tub and maintain an erection long enough for your partner to discover your penis while they’re chugging down popcorn by the fistful. Better slip some drugs down that gullet ’cause there ain’t no way – I don’t care how horny you are. Putting your rod in hot buttery popcorn only goes so far. And, if you get some salt down that pipe…well, you know what? You deserve it. Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.

I don’t know if you guys can pick this up or not, but I’m so fucking mad that we let this dumb bit permeate in our culture for so long. My hands are shaking as I type this. The conclusion here today – let’s just stop spreading this nonsense. Let’s let this be the generation that the popcorn trick dies with. Actually, I don’t know. Now that I’ve got all this hating out of my system, it kind of sounds like there’s a fun role playing opportunity here. You could even put a mic down there too and make some ASMR. The ASMR popcorn trick! Just…y’know…get your partner’s consent before you do it. It ruins the surprise, but I think not committing sexual assault is the bigger priority here, folks. Maybe we stop laughing at perverts while we’re at it.

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Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network, and a Dogs Playing Poker on velvet connoisseur. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD, #BeBetter, and ‘Minds right, asses tight.’ “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, Yankee Candle, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley.

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