Who’s their daddy? Who cares? Two bastard brothers go in search for their long lost father because their mom never thought to tell them the truth over the past forty years. And that’s not the most illogical part of Father Figures, a lazy comedy about a fucked up family where the laughs are desperate and dried up. Don’t be too shocked when I tell you Ed Helms is basically his character from The Hangover, while Owen Wilson is exactly the same guy from almost all of his other movies.
Peter (Helms) is a divorced doctor who looks at buttholes all day, a miserable dad with absolutely nothing in common with his son. Kyle (Wilson), on the other hand, lives in Hawaii with a smoking hot girlfriend and manages to have a steady flow of cash from royalties stemming from bottles of BBQ sauce with him on the label. Their entire lives they’ve believed their father was dead, but on their mom’s (Glenn Close) wedding day, they find out she’s been lying the whole time. Her excuse is she lived it up in the 70’s at Studio 54 and couldn’t contain herself. A splendid image for her two boys! I suppose keeping count of her partners was too much of a hassle.
A sibling road trip ensues where the twins can get closer while eliminating their daddy candidates. It’s not as much as fun as you might think. From Terry Bradshaw as Terry Bradshaw to J.K. Simmons as a thief who lives with his mother (June Squibb), Peter and Kyle’s hopes rise and quickly crash and burn at every new turn. Treasure the scenes with Simmons and Squibb, they’re the best Father Figures have to offer.
There never seems to be a dull moment with Peter and Kyle together—just dumb ones. They pick up a hitchhiker (Katt Williams) who may be the “Universe” Kyle loves so much, they miraculously survive a train crash, and Peter finds love at a bar while Kyle has room service in the rental car. No one is going to give a shit whose sperm created these two by the time they get to their last hope, Dr. Tinkler (Christopher Walken).
Helms and Wilson work well together. Being brothers is a stretch, but they attempt to bring something enjoyable out of their newfound comradery. However, Father Figures is the wrong movie to try it out. As the DP for director Todd Phillips (War Dogs, Due Date, The Hangover trilogy), this is Lawrence Sher’s directorial debut and appears to have a lot to learn still. Trying to turn Father Figures in to something it’s clearly not at the end is pointless. Sher is too late turning this mess into something meaningful. A touching and sincere story has no place here.
Rather, Father Figures is a place where grown people piss on kids and are hypnotized by the size of a cat’s sac.
Brandon Vick is a member of The Music City Film Critics’ Association and the Southeastern Film Critics Association, the resident film critic of the SoBros Network, and the star of The Vick’s Flicks Podcast. Follow him on Twitter @SirBrandonV and be sure to search #VicksFlicks for all of his latest movie reviews.
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